Why It Wasn't Scary: Uwe Boll strikes once more, albeit with an effort that makes House of the Dead look not quite so poor upon reflection. Much like that movie, Alone in the Dark has only a surface resemblance to its video game namesake at best, going in a direction that is neither fun, action packed, thrilling nor scary. It fails on every conceivable level. Talented actors like Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff are forced to trundle through some execrable dialogue, while Tara Reid attempts to convince as an archaeologist solely by tying her hair up, wearing a lab coat and putting on some glasses. There's outrageously bad CGI, a plot you'll barely stay awake to follow, and not a single drop of tension throughout. How To Improve It: Again, keep Uwe Boll completely away from it, actually follow the plot of the video game in anything more than shell form, get rid of the laughably long, expository text scrawl at the beginning, ditch Tara Reid, beef up the visual effects and find a production manager who will actually make the movie look like it cost the $20 million that was apparently spent on it.
Stay at home dad who spends as much time teaching his kids the merits of Martin Scorsese as possible (against the missus' wishes).
General video game, TV and film nut. Occasional sports fan. Full time loon.
