Why It Wasn't Scary: The Wicker Man is such an absurd laugh riot that there's rarely a moment that produces a single ounce of viewer unease (except for the amount of time Nicolas Cage spends punching and kicking women throughout the movie). Though Cage claims that he knew he was making a bizarre remake of the 1973 horror classic, it's difficult to believe that by watching the final product: the awful script combined with Cage's hilariously unhinged performance suggests a tone-deaf nightmare that had no idea what it wanted to be. On top of Cage running around in a bear suit and "No, not the bees! The bees! Ahhrghghgh!", it ends on a ridiculous sequel-tease that trivialises the brilliance of the original premise by transforming it into generic slasher fodder. How To Improve It: Get rid of the weird misogyny pulsating throughout, remake the original movie in a more straight-up, matter-of-fact manner, cut down on the heavy-handed camerawork, and perhaps hire someone who isn't quite as barmy as Cage for the lead role. Or better yet, follow Cage's own ridiculous lead and just do as he suggests: "I would like to take The Wicker Man to Japan, except this time he's a ghost."
Stay at home dad who spends as much time teaching his kids the merits of Martin Scorsese as possible (against the missus' wishes).
General video game, TV and film nut. Occasional sports fan. Full time loon.
