12. Prince Hans Of The Summer Isles - Frozen (2013)
Now, this heinous shark-eyed ballbag of a man could have been placed much, much higher up the list. If calmer heads hadn't prevailed, this unrepentant douchecanoe could easily have been been top five, maybe top three, but apparently its Disney and youre overreacting. Pfft. When we first meet Prince Hans Of The Summer Isles, its by way of a meet-cute: a staple of romantic comedies, its that classic set-up whereby the couple meet for the first time and establish the connection that the audience will then root for (during gently amusing and entirely predictable shenanigans) for the next ninety minutes, until they finish surmounting the insurmountable obstacles that have kept them apart and literally run into each others arms. Probably at an airport. In this instance Hans sidekick/best friend, his horse Sitron, nearly knocks the films adorably goofy and slightly cross-eyed heroine Anna into the sea at the docks. Some Buffyesque gabbling flirtation and a bright, cheerful duet later, and the stage is perfectly set for Anna to finally Find Love and Escape Her Boring Life. So when Hans reveals in the third act that hed conned his way into Annas life in order to usurp the throne of Arendelle, and leaves her to die while he pops off to murder her sister Elsa, the audience - man, woman and child - want the little flap of scrotal fungus dead. Hes got an anthropomorphically intelligent horse as his best mate! They sang a duet called Love Is An Open Door! In Disney, thats like being married! Hes not supposed to be the bad guy! Screenwriter Jennifer Lee has gone on record as saying that by the final draft, Hans was written to be a classic sociopath: from the moment he meet-cutes Anna (completely by chance) and discovers shes the princess, Hans is scheming to charm her and everyone around her. He mirrors her goofiness, but subtly becomes a different version of himself with other characters: fearlessly noble with Elsa to reflect her own self-sacrificing nature, abrasive and domineering with the Duke; whatever will get him the response and the relationship with that person that he needs. Thats all well and good, but essentially Prince motherflipping Hans of the motherflipping Southern Isles is a murderous, callous motherflipper of the highest order, and Anna punching his creepy-ass lights out at the end is one of the best moments of the film. Yesss. Stitch that, son. Never found out what happened to the horse, though. The nasty wee freakshow probably sold him for glue.
Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
