6. Nicolas Cage
I'm convinced that Nicolas Cage doesn't act like a human being. When the cameras start rolling, all he does is imagine he's an angry badger, and grunts and screeches and glowers accordingly - that or he just mopes around like a wet sponge. Don't get me wrong, Christian has moments of contemplation when he's not being controlling. But with Nicolas Cage in the role, it would be, 'Aw, My Feelings Are Kinda Crushed', to 'WAHOO, I've Got A One Way Ticket To Cuckoo Town!' in the space of 0.5 seconds. Plus, Nicolas Cage isn't exactly a dreamboat. Everyone can tell they're hair plugs, Nicky! Give it up already! The only way Nicolas Cage would be cast would be if Fifty Shades was re-imagined as an over-the-top camp classic, made simply as a way to generate internet memes.
Anal? You don't say?
