3. Jackie Chan
Look, if Chan was involved, all those tender moments? Out the window, replaced with a bunch of KGB agents getting their faces tenderised with the old martial artist's karate chops. Why KGB agents? Because they overheard the words 'pussy riot' and all hell broke loose! AHAHA! HA HA! Oh, good one Maynard, that zinger was RICH! *puffs cigar contendly*
Anyway, the kind would turn into corny comedy, slapped asses would get replaced with slapstick, and 'the contract' would somehow involve Chris Tucker making a cameo appearance to tell everyone how WHACK everything is. "Whacked with WHIPS?! That is WHACK!"