The New ECLIPSE Trailer Will Wet Your Panties!

I was talking to a buddy a few days ago. He was having a problem with a woman at his job, and, apparently desperate, turned to me for advice. During the conversation, he turned and gave me that look that men often give one another while dealing with the female species. Under his breath, he mumbled, "Ray, what's wrong with them? Why don't they make any sense?" Girls make men say things like this because they are deranged, hormonally-challenged sociopaths. They might be the best evidence against the existence of God, since no rational, intelligent being would dare construct such a hyperventilating, exasperating, and deeply illogical creature. Women should cherish their vaginas, since that mysterious wonderland is the only thing that has prevented men from rising up and slaughtering them all. Studio heads and other cash mongerers have repeatedly exploited the feminine weaknesses for puerile romantic yearning, vapid pretty boys, and chaste petting. The seventies had Leif Garrett, the eighties had Corey Haim, the nineties had the Saved By The Bell guys, and the Aughts have brought us The Jonas Brothers and the Twilight franchise. Women - grown women - squeal loudly at the sight of a 2D picture of charisma-free Taylor Lautner. Robert Pattinson reduces entire auditoriums of females into tear-streaked Jello molds. Underaged girls spontaneously produce breasts and begin bleeding while screeching at a two hour Twilight film. Ask any of them why they are acting like this, and they cannot tell you why. Their hormones have blinded them from reality and reason. Another hormonally-titillating entry in the Twilight series is headed our way this summer from pussy-tickling "author" Stephenie Meyer, who has ingeniously capitalized on the female problem for a huge unearned payday. The new film, Eclipse, follows the further whispery "adventures" of Bella, the least interesting heroine in the history of recorded thought. If the new trailer is any indication, Bella will be slouching and whispering through another two hour film while being pursued by two gorgeous suitors, Edward the vampire and Jacob the werewolf. Let's face it: neither one of these male characters would have anything to do with this Bella, who looks like a tomboy trailerpark version of Lydia from Beetlejuice, and has all the personality of a bloodfart. But, like any soap opera, there needs to be two guys so completely obsessed with one undeserving girl that they constantly fight each other for her love. Get real. Men may have fought over Helen of Troy, but they certainly aren't going to fight over Bella the Hoosier.

Regardless, the new trailer promises to fill multiplexes with the "other species" and turn it into a seething pit of estrogen-induced bean-flipping. Maybe I'll go golfing with my buddies that weekend.