These Movie Openings SUCK!

Ok so I don't know about any of you, but in my life, I've experienced sleep paralysis from time to time, and let me tell you something, it absolutely sucks.

The feeling of intense physical pressure weighing you down without anything tangible being on you is horrifying to say the least, and because your mind is racing a mile a minute it can give life to a lucid nightmare, where you're trapped witnessing or perceiving events around you while being completely unable to move.

So with this in mind, let's talk about Cats which is the movie equivalent of being bound in place and watching a horror show unfold in front of you. To call this film a disaster is an insult to the Hindenburg, as this film tanked so hard I'm pretty sure the Allies used it in WW2, containing uncanny valley models you'd want to leave in a roadside ditch and musical scores that were tweaked and tinkered with so much that your microwave door opening could sound the same with that amount of work.

That being said, nothing is as bad as the opening to this movie, as it sets all the horrible wheels in motion. The scale of the actors is something that blows my tiny mind, sometimes being shown to be the near length of a large object and then other times so small that these cats look more like rats. Plus with all of the money going into these slimy, vaseline-coated 3d effects, you'd think that face tracking would be paramount, but you'll witness actors slip and slide around the heads of their nightmare demon bodies more than is acceptable.

For the record, none is the acceptable number of times.

Couple this with an overuse of the word "Jellicle" in the opening song, which again for the record, none is the acceptable number of times, and the fact that "Jellicle" will never not sound like a pair of jelly testicles and you'll be left feeling like this mangy tabby has wiped its own balls across your face within the first five minutes.