These Movie Openings SUCK!

Jesus Christ. Where to begin with this one.

So against my better judgment, ignoring all the terrible trailers that dropped before its release and the fact that every still shot for this movie basically came with a police warning sign saying "do not cross", I did actually go and see Dragonball Evolution in the cinema.

Now I'm not the most die-hard Dragon Ball fan out there, pretty much tapping out of the series after the Buu saga, but I do have great respect for the characters and worldbuilding that Akira Toriyama put his life and soul into. It's a shame therefore that this film just whapped out its little todger and pissed all over his face because this is a project that is truly and utterly abysmal.

Everything and I mean EVERYTHING about this movie is wrong, and you can sum up the entire miserable experience in just the first five minutes of the film.

First, we have the litany of continuity changes that Evolution makes, from saying that Picollo was trapped deep within the Earth, to Osaru just disappearing because his mate literally bottled it, and just cliche after cliche being rolled out to the point where it's a car crash not two minutes deep.

And then, and THEN, we get the opening fight sequence, which looks less like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and more like Arthritic Pussy Hobbled Lizard and takes place in somehow the most boring fight location ever, but one that still manages to be wildly inconsistent with its own continuity. Seriously where did that little zen garden come from it literally wasn't in the establishing shot?

But that's what Evolution was, a project that just didn't care what made sense because you'd already bought your ticket. This was a film that punished fans and made newcomers mock the series, damaging its reputation more than a nut punch by Broly.