10 Stupidly Awful Gaming Prisons Staffed By Total Idiots

6. High Security Compound €“ Tomb Raider 3

Ignoring how the hell Lara ended up in prison in the first place €“ attempting to launch a quadbike over the Area 51 fence in your hotpants is never a good idea, kids €“ you'll probably remember this as the one level you couldn't skip through, seeing as you didn't have any weapons. Indeed, attempting to give unlimited ammo to your non-existent boomsticks would see Lara bloodlessly explode, a tragedy which probably gave her cell guard an excellent drinking story. So what to do? At first you were flummoxed, but then you noticed the green laser beams next to the window, and the introduction of a man I've come to know as Wayne the overzealous military policeman. You see, unlike regular MPs (the cooler kind, not David Cameron, never David Cameron), Wayne knew he was destined for something special. So as the Nevadan sun rose that particular morning and he tucked into his cornflakes, Wayne resolved to be the best security guard he could be. He'd be punctual clocking in, be fastidious with his paperwork, and most of all, he'd make damn sure no prisoner would give him any gip. If those prisoners just so happened to include posh English manor ladies who'd attempted to X-treme their way into the facility the day before, well that's just the nature of the beast. So when she sashayed up to the (utterly secure, it must be pointed out) window, Wayne knew he had to make his presence felt. So in he came, rushing Lara and leaving the prison door open. Ignoring the fact that he wants to club Lara for daring to stand on the windowsill €“ the sheer, bloody audacity €“ turn-of-the-millenium graphics meant Wayne had the turning circle of Ricketts-addled giraffe stuck in a revolving door. It looked like he was running in humus, and you could round him with embarrassing ease. Then came the kicker €“ not only were the guards in this facility overzealously incompetent, but their cell-opening procedures were shockingly lax. All you had to do was press a singular button, and without approval from a centralised hub €“ which is generally the norm, seeing as prisoners tend to be dangerous €“ you could unleash all the shockingly similar-looking prisoners to punch your guards into oblivion and leave Lara free to murder more folk around the base. Just a failure all round really, from infrastructure to personnel. Wayne must've felt pretty stupid before he blacked out.
Contributor
Contributor

Durham University graduate and qualified sports journalist. Very good at sitting down and watching things. Can multi-task this with playing computer games. Football Manager addict who has taken Shrewsbury Town to the summit of the Premier League. You can follow me at @Ed_OwenUK, if you like ramblings about Newcastle United and A Place in the Sun. If you don't, I don't know what I can do for you.