10 Least Festive Christmas Songs Ever

10. The Kinks - Father Christmas

The Kinks are a great and highly regarded band and their Christmas song, Father Christmas, is twice as catchy as the common cold but in a good way. Strange then, that The Kinks don’t enjoy the same Yuletide ubiquity as Slade and Wizzard.

Strange, that is, until you listen to the lyrics. The opening line is already enough to put off parents. “When I was small I believed in Santa Claus/though I knew it was my dad.” You don’t want this played at a kids’ Christmas party. Too many awkward questions on the way home.

Then singer Ray Davies goes on to tell us about the time he played a department store Santa. He gets mugged by a gang of kids who eschew presents in favour of cold hard cash. Actually, the gang’s ringleader does express an interest in one gift: “if you’ve got one I’ll take a machine gun/so I can scare all the kids in my street.”

By the end, the lyric tries to steer towards a, “think of those less fortunate at this time of year,” message. Too late. It’s the “Father Christmas, give us your money,” refrain that will be stuck in your head for days.

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Chris Chopping is a writer, podcaster and stand up comedian. He’s 34 and still dreaming of a Diamond Dallas Page style later-life entry into the wrestling business. Eats too many carbs for that though. Follow him @MrChrisChopping on Twitter.