7 Reasons Why Oasis Are The Worst Thing To Ever Happen To Britain

Every single famous Oasis song is cynically designed to make sozzled people in a field put their arms around each other’s shoulders and sing along at the top of their voices. The lyrics don’t matter, nor does the song’s originality (or lack thereof). The only requirement is its chorus - it must be big, and who cares if it’s vacuous?

Why, you may ask, is that such a bad thing? Well, it’s because it reduces songwriting to pure demagoguery. Granted, it must feel great to have thousands of people sing your lyrics back at you, but when your song has been created solely to elicit that fervored and zealous reaction - and by extension make you filthy rich - is that so much of an achievement?

It turns Oasis shows into quasi-political rallies, with Liam and Noel playing the roles of Stalin and Kim Jong Il. You must obey. Why are you not singing every single word at the top of your voice? Guards, please remove this interloper and deal with them.

The truth is that Oasis wouldn’t even need to be present. Any major festival could put two balloons with faces drawn on them on stage and stick a load of Oasis videos on the big screen, and no-one would care. As long as they could hold on to each other in a completely non-homosexual way and bray along to Wonderwall at least once in the evening, everyone would go home happy.