7 Reasons Why Oasis Are The Worst Thing To Ever Happen To Britain

Remember Blur vs Oasis, the chart battle that celebrates its 20th anniversary this month?

For those that answered “no”, here’s a primer: to massively hype two below-par singles, the bands’ respective labels decided to release both on the same day, pitting them against each other. For anyone under 30, it was mandatory to pick a side - conscientious objection was not an option.

This indie version of a playground scrap caused a sensation, utterly captivating people. NME called it the “British Heavyweight Championship”, making it sound like Ali vs Frazier, rather than some Manc oiks saying nasty things about some Southern fops. It even made the main headline on the actual TV news, forcing seasoned pop-hater John Humphrys to pretend he cared about it.

In my house, sides were taken and lines were drawn. My sister chose Blur and I, in the folly of youth, chose Oasis. So at around 6.55pm on Sunday 20th August 1995, as the Radio 1 chart show played Blur’s Country House as the nation’s number one, rather than Oasis’s Roll With It, I suddenly realised I was on the wrong side of history.

Today, I feel like Donald Rumsfeld probably does when he sees that photo of him shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Or how Noel Gallagher feels when he remembers he willingly attended Tony Blair’s Cool Britannia canapé and cronyism festival.

Like them, I flirted with the devil and I’m truly ashamed, because 20 years on, Oasis are the worst thing that’s ever happened to Britain.

Before we start, here’s a reminder: “real music” is not a thing that exists in any way, shape or form. It is perfectly acceptable for you to dislike a particular type of music or a certain artist, but to dismiss it is as unworthy of the name “music” says more about how awful a person you are than it does about what or who you’re slagging off.

And so we come to Noel Gallagher, who is the patron saint of a group of people who can really only be accurately called The “Real Music” Brigade. You know the type. They start petitions because they don’t like a festival headliner. They complain about music these days being crap, ironically unaware that they will almost certainly have got mightily pissy when their parents told them exactly the same thing when they were younger. Their opinion on music can be summarised as “I want white dudes with guitars to continue in their utter cultural dominance forever”. Ugh.

Noel Gallagher seems to distill all these stupid crass opinions, repackage them and get lauded for it. He criticised Glastonbury for choosing Jay Z as a headliner. He doesn’t want to live in a world where Ed Sheeran can play Wembley.

He’s basically your drunk Grandad who you’re scared to be seen in public with because he might start spouting his rum opinions to anyone who’ll listen.