7 Hilariously Batsh*t Things David "Avocado" Wolfe Believes

Have you heard the joke about the guy who plugs himself into an electrical outlet in his home for protection against disease-causing high frequency electromagnetic fields, then paradoxically zaps himself with an electrical device to kill pathogens?

It’s not a joke. I told you guys, I can’t make this sh*t up.

(Sorry, not sorry to Bad Science Debunked for taking that joke – it was too good to pass up.)

The above not-mine not-joke is yet another interesting product featured on the David Wolfe Store, this time under the category: People Who Are Secretly Into Bondage But Are Too Ashamed To Admit It.

Sadly the device being sold doesn’t come in the form of electric zappey nipple clamps because, f*ck it, I’m not ashamed to say I’m into bondage. I may have kinks but getting scammed out of my money isn’t one of them. According to David Wolfe:

“We discovered that it's the shape of the waveform, not the freqency [sic] of delivery, that has an impact on the human body. This portable, wearable Zapper delivers positive offset square wave electromagnetic wavefoms [sic] throughout the body. These electrical signals serve to support a vigorous, healthy immune response.* They also support healthy systemic detoxification, resulting in increased energy and vitality.”

If you listen closely, you can hear my editor crack open another bottle of red wine and sob quietly into her morning coffee. (I hope you're happy now - Ed.)

Note the asterisk. It’s there to signify there is further information, and it is this: “*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.”

This is a Quack Miranda warning. I guess when you’re selling a $347.00 box of electric f*cking shocks under the guise of medicine-but-not-really-medicine-because-if-I-call-it-medicine-my-lawyer-says-I’ll-go-to-jail, it’s probably best to listen to your lawyer about putting a disclaimer on your site.