Now, to begin with True Blood got everything right with the vampires, and thank Lilith for that its the shows bread and butter, after all. We like our vampires fast, strong, voracious, and arrogant (and, naturally, drop dead gorgeous), with a little bit of angst for some, a little bit of sadism for others, and a nasty allergy to sunlight all round. Vampires should be "powerful, beautiful and without regret", as Anne Rice once wrote. But as time went on, vampire after vampire turned up in Bon Temps and the surrounding area, with the inevitable consequence being that the majority of them are less than impressive specimens. Their effect is heavily diluted from overuse: for every Pam, Jessica or Russell Edgington, there's at least half a dozen badly-dressed fools devoid of any charisma. And there's so many more of them, piling into an already crowded story, rushing about like characters in a Benny Hill sketch (imagine a YouTube montage of vampires doing their super-powerwalking thing to Yakety Sax). Some of them can suddenly fly too, where did that come from? They couldnt do that before! Whos writing this?! Oh, maybe that's the problem. Then theres the Vampire Authority, who were set up throughout the first few seasons as a terrifying, draconian, centuries-old political force that rule the vampires with an iron fang. They punished those who messed with their attempts to mainstream vampire society, and dispensed hard justice to bloodsuckers that cross the line. Essentially, the Authority were the vampire equivalent of the Gestapo, sending stormtroopers with wooden bullets to bully the errant and the dissident into line. You dont rub the Authority's rhubarb, is what we're saying. Until season five of course, when we have a whole years storyline dedicated to sitting in a fancy air raid shelter with a bunch of preening idiots making Machiavellian plans that amount to nothing. Then we're forced to watch them getting high on old-school vampire blood and staggering around New Orleans waving their hands in the air like teenagers on their first magic mushroom. Ridiculous. When are vampires allowed to be ridiculous? 'Never' should be the answer. But its better than being domesticated
Professional writer, punk werewolf and nesting place for starfish. Obsessed with squid, spirals and story. I publish short weird fiction online at desincarne.com, and tweet nonsense under the name Jack The Bodiless. You can follow me all you like, just don't touch my stuff.
