10 Absolutely RIDICULOUS Wrestling Theme Lyrics

7. Kerwin White - Never Thought My Life Could Be This Good

SELF MADE
WWE

Was Kerwin White's life actually good?

Apparently so, according to his theme 'Never Thought My Life Could Be This Good'.

A swing number, so tonally jarring with pro wrestling, the lyrics sought to squeeze in so many clichés that we only presume Michael Cole penned them. Suburban white America, Suburban white America... thought Jim Johnston, agonising over this thankless task. What things are associated with Suburban white America...that I can write on behalf of an hispanic wrestler?

'I take my coffee by the pool / I pass my picket fence and gaze upon my new mowed lawn'.

Ah, the smell of freshly-cut grass. That's as American as apple pie, that is. But note that the lawn was new, not newly-mown. Artificial grass, or whatever unimaginative, expositional b*llocks that fit?

'I have a brand new car / I drive it to my country club / It's in my gated neighbourhooooooood'

If Kerwin was so wealthy, why did he bother wrestling Val Venis and Mike Wellington on Heat?

In reality, Kerwin White's life wasn't that good. He was in the throes of a dissociative fugue state brought on by the ills of white America.

WWE probably wasn't the best place for him.

Contributor
Contributor

Michael Sidgwick is an editor, writer and podcaster for WhatCulture Wrestling. With over seven years of experience in wrestling analysis, Michael was published in the influential institution that was Power Slam magazine, and specialises in providing insights into All Elite Wrestling - so much so that he wrote a book about the subject. You can order Becoming All Elite: The Rise Of AEW on Amazon. Possessing a deep knowledge also of WWE, WCW, ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling, Michael’s work has been publicly praised by former AEW World Champions Kenny Omega and MJF, and surefire Undisputed WWE Universal Champion Cody Rhodes. When he isn’t putting your finger on why things are the way they are in the endlessly fascinating world of professional wrestling, Michael wraps his own around a hand grinder to explore the world of specialty coffee. Follow Michael on X (formerly known as Twitter) @MSidgwick for more!