5 Match Star Ratings For WWE Royal Rumble 2023
4. LA Knight Vs. Bray Wyatt - Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match
Think about the luminous confetti that was stuffed within the announce desk.
The confetti existed only to burst out across the ringside area as LA Knight smashed Bray Wyatt through the table (a spot, incidentally, they nearly blew after Wyatt almost fell off the ring steps). It was put there to facilitate a stupid spot WWE thought looked cool (it did not; the spot and indeed the entire presentation looked like a hipster microbrewery with a lame, passé rave aesthetic). There was, to reiterate, no logical reason for the confetti to be placed where it was. They didn't know that the table would break, did they?
Except they did, because it's fake, of which you were cruelly reminded.
Contrived nonsense that was nothing except woefully superficial: this match epitomised the Bray Wyatt character.
As ever, the action was unremarkable and the atmosphere wasn't scary. It was antithetical to scary; it was laughable. The wrestling was either drab or dangerous; Knight almost took a header when being driven from the top turnbuckle to the carbonated soft drink logo below. Wyatt simply won in an anticlimactic scene following the table bump, after which WWE presented a stunning entry into Wyatt's inimitably terrible canon of sh*t.
Wyatt donned a mask, which allowed him not to feel any pain (he could have worn it from the start, he barely sold the table bump, and he'd make far more money selling this magical talisman than he ever will in the wrestling industry).
The post-match brawl found its way to a set that only existed for this purpose (the purpose being the worst thing you'll see in wrestling all year, and Tyrus remains NWA World champion).
As Wyatt stood near Knight's prone body, Uncle Howdy emerged on a raised platform. In a hilarious visual, early 2000s shindie spot monkey Howdy attempted to execute a twisting elbow drop from some 10 feet, and missed entirely. Flames erupted for some reason.
"Uncle Howdy didn't get all of it" is really funny; he's meant to be some awful sinister presence in complete control, and he looked like a no-mark who got ideas above his station after seeing a GIF of Fénix.
Star Rating: Minus ★★★