8 Match Star Ratings From WWE: The Horror Show At Extreme Rules

The Swamp Chat was an objectively terrible work.

It should hold no redeemable value for those informed enough to hold an opinion; if to you it was "just mad!", or "bonkers", you will like anything this company produces, confirming your bias or your total lack of taste and standards.

If Cult Leader Bray Wyatt can produce physical tulpas, and is like, a f*cking magician, why did Mr. Rogers Bray Wyatt symbolically destroy Cult Leader Bray Wyatt and replace the "pathetic slob loser" with the Fiend Bray Wyatt? If Braun Strowman saw himself reflected as a Cult Leader Bray Wyatt mind trick, and Cult Leader Bray Wyatt has a brain formidable enough to control others, why didn't he simply replace The Fiend Bray Wyatt and tell Goldberg to not make him look like an abject sack of sh*t in Saudi Arabia?

If Braun Strowman wanted to resist Cult Leader Bray Wyatt's sway, why didn't he simply think to himself "That run in the black mask was sh*te, everybody laughed when I was rumoured to work the Undertaker at WrestleMania 32, and I only got halfway over when I got semi-repackaged?"

Strowman was swayed by the "pathetic slob loser" that Mr. Rogers Bray Wyatt promised we'd never see again, even in his weakest moments, as the entire pretext behind the Fiend Bray Wyatt character. That first Firefly Fun House vignette was penance. For this!

We know Strowman was swayed by Cult Leader Bray Wyatt - the pathetic slob loser - because he set a random man on fire, temporarily elated by the darkness he had embraced, before breaking down melodramatically in the worst acting job you've ever seen. You see, he was happy at first - he had embraced his dark side - but then he wept, in remorse, for he was Not Evil. He had won what was not a battle with Bray Wyatt, but a battle with himself.

Also: to convey the threat of an alligator, instead of springing for some CGI, Getty images of an alligator were edited in.

"See, the problem with Jaws is that they showed you the monster!" - Some absolutely deranged WWE stan, probably.

There is no internal logic to the Bray Wyatt "mythology". It is a load of absolutely pretentious, pig sh*t-thick b*llocks that has the audacity to think of itself as clever.

The Swamp Fight, the main event of a professional wrestling pay-per-view, began with a five minute Cult Leader Bray Wyatt promo heavy on b*llocks and exposition. There was no wrestling in it. The "walk and brawl" pejorative isn't even accurate. The Fiend Bray Wyatt drowned Strowman to presumed death at the finish. This was a big shock. We know this because Strowman said "It's over" when the trademark graphic flashed up at the end of the show, making it abundantly clear that it was not, in fact, over. Braun Strowman is Michael Cole now, the key difference being that Michael Cole would make a better Universal Champion.

Transpose all of this to a medium of actual worth, like film, and the analogy is thus: the supervillain tells the hero the plan that failed three movies ago, and the hero buys it, because the hero is a f*cking imbecile.

Do I bury a sick old man to earn a living, and is that weird?

Star Rating: F*cking Sh*t