It's The WWE Olympics!

It's all about The Games.

WWE Olympics

Fears over viral epidemics! Polluted waters hosting events! Allegations of money-laundering and corruption! Prevarication over banning drug cheats! Yes: it can only be the Olympics!

That's right, every four years competitors from all over the globe convene to determine which amongst them can throw a stick across a field the furthest, with the longest stick-thrower being awarded a glitzy roundel of gold. The world watches on in rapt suspense, as the assembled collection of arbitrary nations vie to capture the most gongs. At one point, there's an inexplicably incongruous bit with dancing horses.

I am a fan. Honestly!

There's no sport more inextricably linked with the Olympiad than wrestling; it's been an event at the games since the 7th century BC (which made the IOCC's attempt to remove it from the games utterly inexplicable). Admittedly, the Olympic style is somewhat far removed from the current professional incarnation WWE present on a weekly basis, but that won't prevent me from writing a frivolous article on the subject.

WWE boasts a roster of supremely athletic superstars, many of whom would excel in a variety of Olympic events were they not engaged in wrestling responsibilities. But who would win what? LET'S FIND OUT!

Given his recent issues with USADA, and in order to give everybody else a chance at winning even one of the events, Brock Lesnar is disqualified from these games. Seriously, he'd win them all. The guy's even a gun nut, so he'd sweep home the trap shooting medal too.

That controversy aside, let the games begin!

13. Discus/Hammer: Cesaro

WWE Olympics Belomlinsky

Dizzyingly swinging a heavy object around several times and then violently hoying it into the air is clearly Cesaro's forté. If he can do it with a 300lb man, he'd have no trouble whatsoever with a piddly hammer. The only concern would be for the crowd.

I don't think it'd be wise to arm the Swiss superman with a discus, quite frankly. Have we all seen Oddjob with his lethal bowler hat in Goldfinger? Well, imagine that, but several degrees more vicious.

The current Olympic record for the discus throw stands at just under 70m. If Cesaro can fling the 7'1" Great Khali even a foot across the ring, then he would surely launch a discus to the outer reaches of heaven.

Editorial Team
Editorial Team

Benjamin was born in 1987, and is still not dead. He variously enjoys classical music, old-school adventure games (they're not dead), and walks on the beach (albeit short - asthma, you know). He's currently trying to compile a comprehensive history of video game music, yet denies accusations that he purposefully targets niche audiences. He's often wrong about these things.