WWE Hell In A Cell 2017 Review

by Benjamin Richardson
Hell in a Cell Kevin Owens Shane McMAhon
WWE

After an agonising spell p*ssing about on top of the cell, good sense eventually prevailed and both men decided it was too stupid - much to the chagrin of a disgraceful audience (to be fair, many of them empty seats) who booed the pair's discretion. Owens took a beautifully safe fall, and it seemed liked sphincters could be relaxed for a moment. But no: Shane's lemming DNA quickly drew the blood away from his brain, and he was back up again for an unnecessary coup de grace. Crash! Bang! Wallop! What an idiot.

Shane might point the finger at Sami Zayn for his defeat, but he had no-one to blame but himself. Byron Saxton bleated, "I don't even know if KO is the winner!" like an utter moron, despite Owens' music blasting around the area. It was an ending loaded with nuance - Zayn brilliantly bore the look of a man who knows he'll have to search the attic for his disused wrestling mask - and just enough in the way of relevant repercussions to disguise the night's general theme of blandness.

Hell in a Cell started well, and ended will. Unlike No Mercy, expectations were drastically exceeded - but this did not make it a glittering show. In truth, two impressively ornate bookends had nothing but disposable Mills & Boon novellas between them. Or perhaps a single copy of Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep. There's no need to ground the child for this display, but if they're expecting a trip to Pizza Hut as a treat, they can think again.

Advertisement
Editorial Team
Editorial Team

Benjamin was born in 1987, and is still not dead. He variously enjoys classical music, old-school adventure games (they're not dead), and walks on the beach (albeit short - asthma, you know). He's currently trying to compile a comprehensive history of video game music, yet denies accusations that he purposefully targets niche audiences. He's often wrong about these things.