10 Things I Hate About The Royal Rumble
The dumbest event in WWE's calendar is nearly upon us again...
Time, once again, to flip the bird to the court of public opinion and play devil’s advocate, with another entry in the misunderstood, misinterpreted and often completely misread 10 Things I Hate About... series.
After our cheerful thumbing of the nose at Dean ‘Float Like A Bee, Sting Like A Butterfly’ Ambrose - and following a brief off-topic hiatus to heel on the Marvel Cinematic Universe - it’s the turn of the Royal Rumble, WWE’s longrunning post-Christmas clusterf*ck.
If you’re a WWE fan in 2017, you’ve probably grown up with the Royal Rumble. The Rumble’s always been there for you: every January, with barely a change in format or booking strategy in twenty-five years, a reassuringly brainless constant in a world full of long words and hard sums.
We tend to breeze past it, because it’s such a traditional part of WWE’s calendar and continuity - but the Rumble is kind of like a big family Christmas (or Thanksgiving or Diwali, depending on your culture). You look forward to it because it’s An Occasion, even though the actual event itself is invariably a huge letdown. Dinner is fraught with tension, too many people crammed around the table, elbows bashing each other - and the feast is usually a disappointment too, because who can cook for that many people?
With a nod and a wink to the central conceit of an eighteen-year-old teen rom com starring the Joker and Cobra Commander, these are the 10 Things I Hate About The Royal Rumble.
10. All Those Ridiculous Statistics
The other day, Cageside Seats’ beloved generalissimo Geno Mrosko put together a little list of Royal Rumble statistics. This mildly diverting infodump reminded me of the vast, steaming piles of similar statistics that Vince McMahon’s various homunculi in the WWE commentary chair squeeze out every few seconds during the Royal Rumble… and how incredibly irritating they are.
The Rumble match is a work, like military intelligence and the President’s hair. None of these statistics mean anything real - and if they do, it’s only after the fact.
I don’t give a handful of unhappy crap that more people have won from the number 27 position than any other, or that four people have won from the starting position. If those numbers have any relevance, it’s only because they noticed a pattern a while back and decided to use it as a bullsh*t talking point.
A really annoying one. Shut your hole, Michael Cole! No one cares about you and your witless trivia!