10 Happy Endings To Improve Depressing Movies

3. Spartacus

Spartacus Chaps Happy
Universal Pictures

What Actually Happens

Kirk Douglas' recalcitrant gladiator and eponymous hero grows tired of being a slave, and it turns out there's a load more people who feel the same way. Spartacus forms a militia with his brothers-in-arm-shackles, overthrowing their captors before leading them out of Italy.

Unfortunately, nobody thought to pack a map, and they are rerouted back towards Rome, where they are confronted by Crassus' army. Given the offer to identify their leader in exchange for freedom, every single one of the slaves scapegoats himself, shouting, "I'm Spartacus!"

But then they are all executed anyway. Psyche!

What Should Happen

Faced with the prospect of building a few hundred crucifixes, the Romans think, "nobs to this," and let everybody go free. They don't even fine them for the lesser crime of identity theft.

Several millennia later, Spartacus' non-matyrdom ruins the names of several cool communist football clubs, but that isn't mentioned in the film.

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Editorial Team
Editorial Team

Benjamin was born in 1987, and is still not dead. He variously enjoys classical music, old-school adventure games (they're not dead), and walks on the beach (albeit short - asthma, you know). He's currently trying to compile a comprehensive history of video game music, yet denies accusations that he purposefully targets niche audiences. He's often wrong about these things.