10 Movie Idiots Who Made Simple Solutions Look IMPOSSIBLE

The Cabin in the Woods is a horror film for horror film loves. It plays with the ideas of archetypal characters and formulaic horror plots to imagine a world where these films have a much more serious role to play: they’re essential to the preservation of the entire planet. Instead of a cinema theatre full of scare-loving teens, the audience of this horror film is ultimately the “Ancient Ones,” old gods whose thirst must be satiated in a very extravagant blood ritual.

It turns out that all our favourite horror themes – the jock, the stoner, the blonde, the virgin – are all characters in this ritual who must be sacrificed to appease these creatures. But you can’t just give them a quick bonk on the head and be done with it; instead, the ritual must include torturing and terrifying the victims with some kind of classic horror baddie. Werewolves, zombies, chainsaw serial killers, you name it – they’re all options for this sadistic ceremony. Pretty much any horror convention you can think of is bundled up into The Cabin in the Woods as a necessary part of the procedure, all being features designed to appease these deities. Not completing the ritual will result in planet-wide destruction.

So, after an ignored warning to stay away from the cabin, some hanky panky, and terrorising from a zombie family, two of the teen group selected as the sacrifices remain: the “jester” a.k.a. the stoner kid, and the virgin – whose death turns out to be optional, thanks to some last minute exposition from a cameo by Signourney Weaver. Ripley makes it crystal clear that they have eight minutes to kill the stoner guy, or else the Ancient Ones will not be happy and will, you know, destroy everything they know and love. They squabble, kill Weaver’s character with some help from a wolf man and a zombie girl, and miss the literal deadline. The movie ends with a massive hand reaching out from the Earth’s core and starting its destruction. Way to go, guys.

Now, I am under no illusions than murdering someone is in any way a good thing. Whatever the circumstances, it isn’t nice, and it would definitely take a psychological toll on a person. But one guy’s life in exchange for the entire planet? Hell, if I was that guy, I wouldn’t be thrilled about it but I’d understand. Just make it as quick and as painless as possible, please.