10 Rules To Survive A Horror Movie

You've all probably already heard to keep it in your briefs if you want any hope in hell of surviving a horror movie. Horny teens get slashed all the time, and even the age-old tradition of beating your meat is no sure-fire way of avoiding a one-way trip to Death Valley, if you ask Antichrist or The Lighthouse, at least.

So why do I go so far as to specify not to have sex ever in your life then? Well, dear reader, that would be because whilst sex is a killer in the MIDDLE of a horror movie, there's no better way to START one than with an eminently creepy child. And how do you get a child? Why, by doing the horizontal pants dance and sewing the seeds of evil that then flourish around the time they learn to say their first words: 'devil spawn.'

Lifelong chastity is the best way of making sure you don't stumble into any horrific scenarios then, and if you suddenly find yourself burdened with a child anyway, be it by your own ill-considered decision making or by the law of surprise, well, better hope you have both a priest and a funeral parlour on speed dial. Did The Orphan teach you nothing?