2. Ninja Turtles (2014)
Michael Bay has apparently decided that he wants to kick us all in the childhood as hard and as devastatingly as possible: first he turned Transformers from a nostalgic joy into an adrenaline-fuelled joke with robot testicles, and now he is the man entrusted with rebooting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles property and bringing it back to screens. Fortunately for 12 year old fans of the turtles, Bay knows exactly what you want, and he will probably bring in as many explosions, crude jokes and blurry 3D as you could possibly want, while making April O'Neil dress in as small and tight an outfit as possible while the camera lingers around her backside. Unfortunately for everyone else, Bay's films tend aim at those younger fans at the expense of traditional film-making concerns like strong story-telling, relatable and likable human characters, and authentic character development. So we can probably just expect an extended music video type monstrosity with a cast of bodacious turtles with bundles of attitude and the type of dialogue that Steven Seagal would turn his nose up at. There's no way Bay's Turtles project will fail in commercial terms - because it will have the usual kind of backing that somehow convinced everyone to see two Transformers sequels - but it will almost certainly do its best to be a critical flop.