5. G.I. José
Cast: Mario Lopez, Shannon Elizabeth, Danny Trejo, and Mark Paul Gosseler (but only for, like, the first 15 minutes)
Plot: Traffic Light (Lopez) and Earl (Gosseler) are best buds and brothers-in-arms, part of the elite fighting force known as the G.I. Josés (or "The 'Zays" for short). They spend their days fighting flamboyantly-dressed bad guys, high-fiving each other and shouting their catch-phrase "Yay Zay!" One day, they're ambushed, and none of the Zays survive except for Traffic Light and Smokeshow (Elizabeth). Earl dies tragically in Traffic Light's arms, and he vows to avenge his fallen comrade. They learn that they're old arch nemesis, Anaconda Commanda, is behind it all. So they set out to find the one man who can help them: the original G.I. José (Trejo).