These Video Game Skills SUCK!

Transcript from These Video Game Skills SUCK! video on WhatCulture Gaming...

Hello all of you beautiful people, Jules here for WhatCulture.com and welcome back to another NOT list aka These Things Suck AKA the format where I shorten my lifespan considerably by years thanks to me ranting, raving and flailing about all of the minutiae of the video game industry that plucks my pubes.

And I know you've looked at the title and thought, "but Jules, how can a video game SKILL be annoying or awful, by their definition it's something that the chosen character is good at and therefore should have some use in a video game right?"

Wrong.

Because the video game skills on this list range from being downright pathetic to absolutely useless and in some cases will leave you thinking that your so called hero has been kicked in the head by a horse for how they've failed so spectacularly in demonstrating their talents.

So take a seat, or stand up and then sit back down again if you were already seated, and let me use my mastery of the English language and skilful use of its many curse words, to detail some video game skills That Absolutely Bloody Sucked.

So not to assume too much about your past, but I'm guessing at one point your parents probably made note of your movements as an unborn baby within your mamma's belly. You know, something along the lines of, "look it's kicking" or "no I'm pretty sure humans don't have tails of horns".

Point being, most of learned to kick before we were even aware of what our legs were. It isn't a skill that needs imparting, but is entirely innate.

Therefore it was more than a little strange when Risen 2, a title stuffed to the brim with pirates, swashbuckling and more poop decks than a colonoscopy card game, had the gall, the utter cheek to charge the player to learn how to kick properly.

I'm sorry, what? I'm meant to be a member of the inquisition, a military group in the game and you're telling me I've gotten through life without learning how to kick properly? And then on top of this you're going to bloody charge me for it?

And you want to know the best part about it? Once you've learned it, actually performing the move is stupidly mapped requiring you to hold the parry button and then press the jump button. It's a gross combo and I feel like it needs a NSFW filter on it. Honestly, it's hard to feel jolly after being rogered by this shameful scam and there is a horrible sweaty irony in having a game teach you how to use your legs "properly" while running at 13 frames a second itself.