10 Things Only First Time Fathers Understand
4. All Babies Prefer Their Mothers
This is depressingly true. Deal with it. She has free flowing milk. You have a saggy equivalent that offers precisely sod all. She has smooth skin a baby loves to snuggle into. You have 3mm razor stubble stinking of day-old aftershave that mutilates your offspring’s head. She has a soothing, angelic nursery rhyme voice at bedtime. You sound like Johnny Rotten when you attempt to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
The fact of the matter is if your kid is upset about something there’s only so much you can do before you ultimately hand the little blighter over to its mother to sort out. In your offspring’s eyes, you are merely secondary: good, but not great; a silver medal; a goal short of a hat-trick; missed the black on a 147.
Still, second place is nearly first. Loser.