5 Most Insane Things Happening In Wrestling Right Now (Dec 21)
2. Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Marks [SPOILERS FOLLOW]
[SPOILERS FOR THE CHRISTMAS EVE EDITION OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW FOLLOW]
Yes, WWE taped a sh*tty Christmas comedy show to support its new mission statement. Scouring through Twitter and SquaredCircle to gauge what this new empowered fanbase desires, Vince, after years of refusal, has finally grasped that we want: Miracle on 34th Street Fights and comedy segments designed to promote Universal Title matches.
On the Christmas Eve RAW, the following segments, hand-to-heart, actually took place:
- Elias defeated Bobby Lashley in a Miracle on 34th Street Fight, during which Elias opened a parcel containing lego. Perhaps this should be donated to a small child who, when they manage to build something effectively, could join the creative team. Lio Rush was bathed in eggnog for the finish, and who could possibly have scripted that?
- Dolph Ziggler defeated Drew McIntyre and Finn Bálor in a Triple Threat match. We've deliberately got that wrong, so two questions: 1) Can you guess who actually won, and 2) Does it matter? Wrong: it was Finn Bálor, and it won't matter.
- Rhyno, dressed as Santa Claus, returned to aid Heath Slater in a late Match Of The Year contender against Jinder Mahal.
- The Revival lost their RAW Tag Team Title match mere hours after earning contendership.
- Natalya lost her RAW Women's Title match mere hours after earning contendership following a 55-minute Gauntlet match.
- Seth Rollins Vs. Baron Corbin headlined the least-watched episode of Monday Night RAW ever on December 10. This was so disastrous that Corbin was demoted onscreen, and so of course that utter lunatic Vince booked a rematch of it to headline the Christmas Eve show.
- Vince, crackers old racist that he is, unveiled his favourite family Christmas party game by having Braun Strowman and Paul Heyman play 'Pin the Christmas hat on the Jew'. Seriously: to build towards the big hoss Universal Championship at the Royal Rumble, pitting real-life Strong Man Vs. one of the hardest men to have ever been born, Strowman put a Santa hat on Paul Heyman.
Right, so that last one didn't happen, but swerve, yes it bloody well did, because everything is awful comedy.
It's Christmas, guy, they always do a meaningless comedy show. Relax!
They don't always have to put on the same sh*tty Christmas show every Christmas, Jesus Christ. Gauging by the taping reports, WWE produced a stream of lame dross and retconned two number one contendership matches within hours. Anything Vince McMahon's long-gone creative mind can muster is not the answer to WWE's creative woes.
The answer is staring them right in the f*cking face...