Michael Keaton did get some competition for the title of Best Batman Actor Ever this year, however, in the form of Will Arnett. The Arrest Development star voiced the Caped Crusader in The LEGO Movie as a narcissistic, self-consciously brooding jerk who sang his own theme song. With the lyrics "DARKNESS, NO PARENTS, SUPER RICH, KINDA MAKES IT BETTER". This is a version of Batman that we can very much get behind.
13. Read The Unmade Batman Scripts
For all the varied and differing screen Batmen we've seen, there are just as many who never made it into production. For some reason Warner Bros. were initially pretty jazzed about Joel Schumacher's day-glo nightmare Batman & Robin, and immediately set up a sequel - titled Batman Triumphant - which would see the director returning along with George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. After the terrible reviews they went in completely the other direction with a mooted adaptation of Year One to be helmed by Requiem For A Dream's Darren Aronofsky, which would have had Alfred as a mechanic in a down-and-out Gotham garage. There was also talk of a live-action Batman Beyond, a flick where Bruce retires and Dick Grayson goes to university, and various iterations of Superman Vs Batman before the one that's currently in production. And because this is the future, you can read most of these unmade scripts online! And be glad they remain unmade, mostly!
12. Pour One Out For Fredric Wertham
Seduction Of The Innocent was one of the most devastating things to ever happen to the comic industry. Author and quack Frederic Wertham was of the opinion that this funnybook fad was turning impressionable young readers into criminals and sexual deviants, and most people believed him. Amongst other things this lead to the creation of the Comics Code Authority, which censored all mainstream comics for decades since (meaning they couldn't tackle things like drugs, sex, or racism). That said, it also necessitated the creation of Batgirl - so people would stop questioning the nature of Batman and Robin's relationship - so it wasn't all bad. Wertham you weren't quite history's greatest monster, but you came close.
11. Sit Around And Wait For An Animal To Fly Through Your Window
Seems kind of hypocritical for Bruce Wayne to consider criminals a "superstitious, cowardly lot" only to then crap his pants at a bat flying through his window, before deciding it's a sign from his dead father that he should adopt the flying rodent's look for his one-man war on injustice. Still, it worked out pretty well for him - 75 years! - so if you spend your day sitting next to some bay windows and monologuing about becoming a superhero, we guarantee* that at some point the animal you should based your vigilante identity around will fly through at some point! *Not a guarantee
10. Learn To Draw Batman
So we've established that actually becoming Batman is pretty difficult, unless you have a lot of time, money, energy, and bay windows. What's a lot easier is learning how to draw Batman, so you can put him in wish-fulfillment comic strips where he beats up the kids who used to bully you or that douchebag at work who keeps stealing your lunch out the fridge. We know you're reading this, Greg. As per, WikiHow has a pretty good tutorial. Why not share your attempts in the comments? Unless they're, like, really bad. Then keep it to yourself. This is Batman Day, after all. Don't desecrate his memory with your terrible scrawl.
9. Learn What A Jerk Bob Kane Is
We've brought this up a couple of times before, but you know Bob Kane? The guy who gets credited as the sole creator of Batman to this day, and enjoyed a buttload of royalties as a result for his entire life? Yeah, he's actually history's greatest monster. Sorry, Wertham. Kane actually didn't do much in the creation of Batman - almost every aspect of the character that became iconic and exist to this day are the work of writer Bill Finger. Longtime Dark Knight fan and artist Ty Templeton sums it all up in a pretty great little comic which you should definitely read, today of all days.
8. Stay Away From Dark Alleyways
Look, we get that you might still wish that you were Batman, but is it really worth it? Do you really want to see your dear old parents gunned down before your very eyes during an attempted mugging, the sight of your mother's pearl necklace (steady) being scattered into the gutter haunting you for the rest of your life? Stay way from those dark alleyways, guys. Especially when they're called CRIME ALLEY. That really should've been a warning sign. Stupid Waynes.
7. Especially If You've Just Watched Zorro
Although maybe if your parents are going to get gunned down in an alleyway next to a cinema, you should at least see a good film beforehand. Especially if it's a film that's going to inspire your future career as a masked superhero. In Bruce Wayne's case the movie in question was 1940's The Mark Of Zorro, a swashbuckling adventure that's still pretty cool and you could maybe squeeze a viewing in between watching every Batman cartoon and film. Maybe.
Tom Baker is the Comics Editor at WhatCulture! He's heard all the Doctor Who jokes, but not many about Randall and Hopkirk. He also blogs at http://communibearsilostate.wordpress.com/
