Why It Wasn't Scary: Because Uwe "The Toilet" Boll directed it, and as anyone who has seen a Boll movie knows, taking anything he makes seriously is...a challenge to say the least. Based on the brilliant video game series in only the loosest of terms, viewers will be too busy alternately scratching their heads and laughing their a**es off at the terrible acting and outrageously poor dialogue ("You created it all so you could be immortal...why?" / "To live forever...") to be even remotely creeped out by this shockingly inept piece of filmmaking. How To Improve It: For starters, don't hire Uwe freaking Boll to direct it. Make it much more faithful to the game (without including those ridiculous clips of House of the Dead 2 during scene transitions), treat it like a kitschy B-movie rollercoaster ride full of crazy jump scares and fast-paced action like a Sam Raimi film. Get someone else, anyone else, to write the script, and calm down on the hyper-kinetic, CGI-drenched action scenes. Keep Clint Howard as the creepy fisherman, though, because he's just about the only thing that fits.
Stay at home dad who spends as much time teaching his kids the merits of Martin Scorsese as possible (against the missus' wishes).
General video game, TV and film nut. Occasional sports fan. Full time loon.
