Blu-Ray Review: THE LOVERS' GUIDE 3D - There's Naked Girls In It!!!

How to have the best sex of my life? I already know how to do that. It's called being selfish. If this was an honest review, it would probably start something almost exactly like this...

Lasted two minutes. Seemed alright. Did the job at least. No real idea whether I'm a better lover. Must sleep now.

Thankfully, despite being honest, this reviewer is also committed, and after a few more aborted, messy false starts, I knuckled down (ppffffffffffft-ha!) and got to work on the latest edition to the sexy canon that is The Lovers Guide library. And here's the best news for you fans of willies and fun-bags, it's in eye-popping 3D!Now, whether anyone really needs to see penises coming at you in 3D out of the screen is hardly a matter for healthy, balanced debate. But it was only a matter of time- in all honesty I expected there to have been far more IMAX Porn before now (though disposable "entertainment" like pornography, and the necessary longevity to ensure financial viability don't exactly go hand in hand), given the huge potential appeal of a heaving chest in giant three dimensional glory.

For anyone who isn't familiar with the franchise- this is not like a video version of the Haynes guide to the vagina. Despite how hilarious (and bloody helpful) that would be. It's sort of like how your kindly teacher is telling you how to romantically make sweet love to your partner. Yep, it is actually also that embarrassing.

Let's just all admit it here- The Lovers Guide will always only be authorised pornography. Noone watches it for tips, they watch it for added "spice" in the bedroom, and it's often the only way a fella will be able to get his ladyfriend on board with the whole "watch while we work" scenario. But for that very reason, it will never feel right for those circumstances- it's like when you want sweets as a child, and your mother gives you an orange. "That might be sweet, but its certainly not sweets", you tempestuous crone, you'd say (if you were in a Dickens novel).

I really don't know how to review this blu-ray properly. Am I supposed to say that the main players are accomplished at making each other pleased? Do I congratulate them on how educational it all is? You see, the problem there is, I'd have to admit I was bad at sex to say that it was informative. And the "acting" on show is nothing like the Oscar worthy moaning and groaning that goes in on other, less mainstream skin flicks where the stars are quite visibly working hard for their money. Or at least they're trying their best to look like they are...

And that, dear readers, is where I end. This isn't something you'd usually see reviewed, since it is so "specialist"- but since my kind editor deemed this release "perfectly suited" to me, which I'm sure is a compliment somehow, I thought I'd share my grubby little thoughts.

This one doesn't get the usual Blu-ray review treatment with the usual scoring parameters, but for the sake of parity, I'll award it a thumbs up. Not only because it has naked chicks in, but also because I've heard a thumb can often help things along...

The Lover's Guide 3D Blu-ray is released today.