9 New Features To Make FIFA 13 More Realistic

A tongue-in-cheek look at some of the "innovations" Fifa 13 could bring in to reflect the current state of the Beautiful Game.

With this week's release of the yearly Fifa instalment from EA - to generally very impressive reviews so far, as ever - I got to thinking about the next stage of innovations I'd like to see in the game for next year, which would specifically address the current state of the game. Obviously, this is all tongue-in-cheek stuff, so don't go flipping your lids... Twitter Superstars Social media represents a major new concern for today's footballer, with many of them only pausing from strict, self-promotional tweetathons to play their weekly 90 minutes or have sex with each other's wives and girlfriends (ALLEGEDLY), before immediately returning to their endless spouting. Fifa 13 should then include a management zone that monitors exactly how much criticism the incredibly short-sighted superstars on your team are levelling at your regime, in order to track which of them wants a move to a "bigger club", like Wigan. Or QPR. Because obviously honour is dead in the modern game, and the management team only finds out who wants to leave (and thus who might not be the best option to include in the starting line-up) when they make comments about how the fans deserve better on a public platform like Twitter. Free Hair Plugs With Every Copy Not an innovation per se, but they've done wonders making Wayne Rooney look handso... no I can't finish that one, I'm afraid. Simulation Let's be honest here, all of our clubs have someone within the ranks who likes to take a bit of a tumble when the faint whiff of a possible penalty enters their probably cocaine-flecked nostrils, so why don't EA Sports just bite the bullet and introduce a Simulation Skill, much like the dribbling skill mechanics, with perfect execution necessary in order to "convince" the referee and his assistants that they deserve a freekick or penalty. Points should also be awarded for flair and execution in the dive, with bonus points for how quickly the victim can go from screaming tiny girl to fit, winking man. Biased Commentators Whenever a Birmingham team play, Trevor Francis should be appointed co-commentator in order to lavish praise on them, even when they're losing 8-0 in a pre-season friendly at the local orphanage, and Ian Wright should be called upon whenever his "world-beating" son is in action, or Arsenal (or "us" as he prefers to call them) are playing. Alternatively the game could go for the more colourful options of Andy Gray, Richard Keys and Big Ron Atkinson, but you might as well just employ Roy Chubby Brown and have done with it. New Tactics: Anti-Football Stoke, Bolton, Blackburn, Sunderland. What do these teams have in common? Well at some point over the past few years, they have played to a model that is the horrendous result of the modern obsession with Not Losing At Any Cost - brought about, of course by the ridiculous amounts of money at stake with every three points. That model is the Anti-Football Model, a tactical system that is destructive and stifling, based upon the suppression of the opposition, rather than of any kind of expression of skill. Yes, there is some tactical astuteness involved, but there is also an awful lot of "authorised thuggery" as well, and sadly it is such a part of top flight football these days (Bolton don't do it nowadays, by the way), that it should no longer be overlooked in the tactical set-up options in football video games. Standing Penalties What with standing in Premiership stadia being one of the hotly debated issues of the day, why not channel that topicality into a feature whereby away fan allocation is cut if any supporters have the audacity to stand up in order to support/berate your play? On the management side of things, players could be forced to try and publicly urge fans to heed the stringent rules, with a direct link between away support and how well the team performs at away venues, with the AI accomodating accordingly. Animations within the crowd itself could show stewards being unnecessarily rough with those fans who "persistently stand" - or in the case of the game I was at this weekend, sing anti-ownership chants - as well as the inevitable empty stadiums when everyone decides the rough-housing is too much to suit the crime and leave en masse. Management Detective Mode Specifically for those teams "blessed" with owners who talk in riddles, or prefer to be as economical with the truth as they are with their vast wealth, this feature would enable the player, in management mode, to gather clues from what the owner is actually saying, and from the contrasting reality of his actions in order to work out his real intentions for the team, just after they've already happened. The Joey Barton Achievement It might come as a surprise to some of you, but Joey Barton likes himself a bit - and he rates himself a lot - after all, he is the greatest English midfielder in the universe currently plying his trade in the Premiership ever. But not just that, Joey is also the self-annointed Most Targeted Man In The League, who everyone else only turns up in order to kick or annoy with their flagrant disregard for the decorum of the game (he is a gentleman and a scholar after all). So, to reflect that particular "reality", Fifa 13 should come packaged with a secondary game, much like Black Ops, whereby players take control of Barton, wearing some witty t-shirt and 1980s sunglasses without any hint of irony, as he navigates wave after wave of Karl Henrys trying to kick him in the shins, and referees brandishing "unfair" red cards, all the while trying to collect as many New Age Philosophy and Nietzsche books to be photographed with in public places. The final level will feature his finest achievement yet, disappearing up his own backside with a self-congratulatory round of applause, quoting Isimbard Kingdom Brunel and flirting with Robbie Savage on Twitter. Or something. Half-Time "Slimming Pills" Notice your team losing energy towards the final third of games? Unwilling to sacrifice better players for refreshed substitutes to cope? Well, slip a couple of your wife's slimming pills into the half-time orange juice and your players will be able to run and run for hours. Warning: may contain class A drugs. So, what do you think? Could these features make Fifa 13 the best addition to EA Sports' franchise yet? Or are they no more than the ramblings of a bitter Premier League football fan who is sick of the current state of affairs? If you don't agree what would you like to see added into the gameplay experience for next new's new release?
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