5. Boudicca
Did you know that Baghdad has a statue of their hated enemy Hulagu Khan in tribute of his utter ruination of their capital? .... They
don't? Weird. Because London has a statue of Boudicca right next to the Houses of Parliament. The scorned warrior queen of the Iceni tribe has entered history and legends for her defiant rampage against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire, and rightfully so. After all, it seems only fair that one who suffered as she did had the inalienable right to ruin the effluvia in a skyward direction, so to speak. Her story began with her father's death. As a client state of Rome, the law decreed that the Empire subsume the territory upon the ending of the client ruler's lifetime. And thanks to the historical wonders of primogeniture (i.e. perpetual penis prosperity), they weren't going to recognise Boudicca as his legitimate successor, and accordingly marched in to annex the land. When Boudicca disagreed with this blatant denial of her basic rights, she was viciously flogged in public and made to watch the repeated rape of her daughters. Rome wasn't exactly calm and rational when dealing with dissidents. After suffering this wanton violence, Boudicca became just a tad bit touchy about everything and everyone Roman. She called upon every near and far tribe she could, decorated herself with war paint, jumped into her chariot and embarked upon a colossal crusade to drive the occupiers into the sea. Boudicca's coalition first descended upon the Roman colony of Camulodunum (modern Colchester in Essex), inhabited mostly by retired Roman officers who were living the high life after butchering the native unwashed savages in the name of the Emperor. Not coincidentally, Boudicca's tormentors happened to be there too. The settlement was totally destroyed, and every citizen slaughtered. A few of the desperate privileged tried to seek shelter in the temple devoted to Claudius, but the British simply smashed in the doors and killed them all. The Ninth Legion attempted to hurriedly march to the colony's salvation, but is today famed for being utterly crushed in the process. The shock of Legio IX Hispania's destruction paved a clear road further south, to another nascent Roman colony on the river Thames: Londinium. Seeing the approaching horde, the Roman garrison and the socio-economically advantaged with connections did what seemed like the most reasonable thing when faced by an unstoppable wall of shrieking death - they ran away. The poor and infirm left behind were predictably massacred, with many impaled on spikes, burned alive, crucified, sacrificed to the gods, or subjected to myriad other horrors. Boudicca was an egalitarian in dealing out humiliation, and there are accounts of women having their breasts hacked off and stitched to their mouths. She then consigned Londinium to conflagration, igniting a fire so vast and devastating that the remnants of its ashes can still be seen during the initial phases of new construction projects to this day. It would not be a capital for the Romans or their successors for nearly a thousand years afterwards. Boudicca was only defeated at the titanic Battle of Watling Street, where the narrow and unfavourable terrain funnelled her lightly armed forces into a hail of decimating javelins, then a steadfast Roman shield wall. When the Romans began pushing back, the panicked retreat was doomed by the presence of the natives' baggage trains carrying their families. Rome irrevocably reasserted its control over the island at a time when some feared Boudicca would force them to abandon it. With her revolt crushed, she is commonly believed to have committed suicide, though other sources tell of her eventually falling ill and dying. Even though those who wrote of her were her enemies, the warrior queen is said have been a tall and strapping figure, with a guttural and imposing voice and a dedication to her peoples' cause that commanded respect. It is that admiration across enemy lines that earned her a statue.