Surgeon Simulator is an illogical, over the top and comical indie game that went viral. It puts the player in control of incompetent surgeon, Nigel Burke as you perform different surgeries in a variety of settings. The controls are hard and the settings ridiculous but it is an incredibly entertaining game, mostly for those reasons. Its a simple premise, you control the movement and position of Nigels clumsy hand and close each finger independently to pick up a variety of tools, and tools is the right word, in order to smash your way through a variety operations. It is in the nature of this game that quite a number of your patients will bleed out and die, but Nigel keeps getting to cut away without reprisal. So I got to wondering how it would go for our voiceless protagonist when his actions catch up to him, and so I wrote the following. Good morning Dr Burke? Really, well thats apt. Please note that the following conversation will be recorded. This is an initial inquiry into what seems to be a startlingly high mortality rate for your patients. So, before we begin would you like to make any sort of comment? You win some, you lose some. I see Whilst a surgeon certainly does need to remain detached, a respect for life is key. However, we need to move on. Lets tackle some of the minor issues first. You have completed no paperwork whatsoever. Paperwork, what is wrong with you man? Im saving lives, I dont have time for paperwork! You understand it is a legal requirement for you to at least sign the death certificate? 'Im a maverick, I may not play by your rules but I get the job done. The job being saving lives? Sure, if you like. Lets go on to your conduct during surgery. Its rare for you to not leave a watch behind inside a patient. Having said that, on the many occasions they have died, it becomes less significant. There is also your tendency to operate with two needles, which you refer to as the green one and the blue one. Oh yeah, theyre life savers. Literally. The green one is great, stops people bleeding out. The blue one is great too, just for me though, it stops me hallucinating if I jab myself, but I only stick a patient with it if the surgery is going really badly, it makes them bleed out, see. That sounds like it is a common occurrence. Yup, Im so clumsy. This one time when I was trying to pick up something, my hand got caught under the rail on the table. The guy I was operating on bled out while I was trying to get unstuck. If I were a doctor, I would say I have dyspraxia. Disturbing revelation aside, you are a doctor. Good point. Does that make it official? Lets go back to some of your unsuccessful surgeries, in as much as any of them can be considered successful, as usually they consist of a chest cavity empty of anything aside from some shards of shattered rib, discarded surgical tools, your watch, and a healthy heart, still disconnected and only placed vaguely in the right area. Looked fine to me. How very troubling. How do you go about getting to the heart to carry out a transplant? A claw hammer. What? Yeah, crack em open like a walnut, sometimes the lungs will pop right out, its a real time saver. Then get Mr Green and jab the patient with that a few times, no more bleeding out and you're free to rip out the old heart. I see and you detach the heart how? Well I used to just grab a scalpel and scrape it around in there until the little blighter popped right out, but when I worked out how to load those discs on my desk one of them showed where to cut. I usually forget but now Im usually scraping around in the right area. Why not take me through some of your achievements in surgery. Well there are loads, I once did a heart in under two minutes. One time, before starting, I jabbed myself with the green needle and jammed a scalpel in a power socket. Oh man I was tripping and my hand was twitching away. I did the surgery anyway, complete success. I am basically God. Without wanting to open the can of worms on what you mean when you say success, I have to ask what on earth possessed you to do this. I dunno, a lot of things seem like a good idea after Ive jabbed myself with the green needle. Speaking of being on Earth, Ive done some procedures in space. You have no idea the stress of sawing a dude up while his heart is drifting off. Absolute nightmare. Ignoring your delusions and the fact that you are evidently sharing needles with the patients, I think we should move on to your brain transplant operations. You are aware that such an operation is impossible. Want to bet? Whilst I dont doubt you can open up a skull, scoop out the contents and jam a different brain in, you must be aware that two people have died in the process? Sure some operations may go wrong, but I learn by doing. I may make a few mistakes, but as long as I learn something the next patient might live. Im performing ground breaking surgeries. Crack open a chaps skull with a hammer, like an egg with a spoon. Pop that bad-boy out of there, take a tomahawk to the cord thing and slap the new brain in there. Done. What about the time your patient was found with a skull empty of anything other than a digital watch with a large glass lid resting on top of the cavity? Well I dropped his old brain somewhere and his new one fell out of the back of the ambulance. The brain is basically a computer, so is a digital watch, so I popped it in there and put the lid from the brain jar on to keep it in. I am lost for words. Oh yeah, and on one of my space ops you will not believe what I found in this weird pod. And let me tell you about this girl Trisha. Mr Burke I am going to move on, and please note I have called you mister intentionally I must ask how did you come to work for the LHS, here in Banardshire Hospital? Healthcare cutbacks; pay peanuts and you get monkeys. Whilst I have barely scratched the surface, this was an initial enquiry and I think I have enough for now, so just one more question is in order. How did you get your medical licence? Correction fluid. What? Nothing. I have never come across a more blatant case of wilful, negligence and incompetence. You suffer from what appear to be severe delusions and I have no hesitation in saying that you are to immediately cease the practice of any form of medicine at this or any other hospital, the police will be notified immediately and I ask that you stay here to await their arrival. What is your first name? Im not sure of the relevance, but its Bob. Uh huh, now Bob, I think you are having a heart attack, its okay, Ive got Mr Green and a pocketful of scalpels. I can help you, Bob, just lie down on the desk here. What? Get away from me! Get off, what are you doi-. Its fine, I can help. Shh, I doctor now.
An engineer by profession. When not working, Tony can generally found rattling around the country on a motorbike in severe need of a clean, with a sword strapped to the side of his rucksack, for genuinely legitimate reasons.
Tony's last words are going to be "hey guys, watch this, this is going to be amazing," or "look at what I can do", so he's getting his midlife crisis out of the way good and early.
Surgeon Simulator is an illogical, over the top and comical indie game that went viral. It puts the player in control of incompetent surgeon, Nigel Burke as you perform different surgeries in a variety of settings. The controls are hard and the settings ridiculous but it is an incredibly entertaining game, mostly for those reasons. Its a simple premise, you control the movement and position of Nigels clumsy hand and close each finger independently to pick up a variety of tools, and tools is the right word, in order to smash your way through a variety operations. It is in the nature of this game that quite a number of your patients will bleed out and die, but Nigel keeps getting to cut away without reprisal. So I got to wondering how it would go for our voiceless protagonist when his actions catch up to him, and so I wrote the following. Good morning Dr Burke? Really, well thats apt. Please note that the following conversation will be recorded. This is an initial inquiry into what seems to be a startlingly high mortality rate for your patients. So, before we begin would you like to make any sort of comment? You win some, you lose some. I see Whilst a surgeon certainly does need to remain detached, a respect for life is key. However, we need to move on. Lets tackle some of the minor issues first. You have completed no paperwork whatsoever. Paperwork, what is wrong with you man? Im saving lives, I dont have time for paperwork! You understand it is a legal requirement for you to at least sign the death certificate? 'Im a maverick, I may not play by your rules but I get the job done. The job being saving lives? Sure, if you like. Lets go on to your conduct during surgery. Its rare for you to not leave a watch behind inside a patient. Having said that, on the many occasions they have died, it becomes less significant. There is also your tendency to operate with two needles, which you refer to as the green one and the blue one. Oh yeah, theyre life savers. Literally. The green one is great, stops people bleeding out. The blue one is great too, just for me though, it stops me hallucinating if I jab myself, but I only stick a patient with it if the surgery is going really badly, it makes them bleed out, see. That sounds like it is a common occurrence. Yup, Im so clumsy. This one time when I was trying to pick up something, my hand got caught under the rail on the table. The guy I was operating on bled out while I was trying to get unstuck. If I were a doctor, I would say I have dyspraxia. Disturbing revelation aside, you are a doctor. Good point. Does that make it official? Lets go back to some of your unsuccessful surgeries, in as much as any of them can be considered successful, as usually they consist of a chest cavity empty of anything aside from some shards of shattered rib, discarded surgical tools, your watch, and a healthy heart, still disconnected and only placed vaguely in the right area. Looked fine to me. How very troubling. How do you go about getting to the heart to carry out a transplant? A claw hammer. What? Yeah, crack em open like a walnut, sometimes the lungs will pop right out, its a real time saver. Then get Mr Green and jab the patient with that a few times, no more bleeding out and you're free to rip out the old heart. I see and you detach the heart how? Well I used to just grab a scalpel and scrape it around in there until the little blighter popped right out, but when I worked out how to load those discs on my desk one of them showed where to cut. I usually forget but now Im usually scraping around in the right area. Why not take me through some of your achievements in surgery. Well there are loads, I once did a heart in under two minutes. One time, before starting, I jabbed myself with the green needle and jammed a scalpel in a power socket. Oh man I was tripping and my hand was twitching away. I did the surgery anyway, complete success. I am basically God. Without wanting to open the can of worms on what you mean when you say success, I have to ask what on earth possessed you to do this.
