3. Hieronymous 'Hip Flask' Hippo vs. Hairbutt the Hippo
Hieronymous, otherwise known as 'Hip Flask', is a weary and scarred human/animal hybrid who was created by the warped MAPPO corporation. He lives in a bleak, dystopian sci-fi world where 'Elephantmen' like himself have been created in a top secret laboratory in North Africa by a crazed Japanese scientist to take over the world. *cough WORLD WAR TWO PARALLEL cough*. After the U.N. step in, Hieronymous, who has always had a moral compass, decides to work for the government with a young woman named Vanity Case. He was also formerly a private detective. Hairbutt, meanwhile, is completely amoral. He is a boorish, bloated, flatulent, drunken Aussie yobbo who frequently finds himself having bizarre adventures. Whether it's commandeering the bus of a bunch of cannibalistic lunatics, making deals with genies that raid his refrigerator or breaking the fourth wall in order to beat the snot out of his creators, Hairbutt does it all with language as salty as the Dead Sea and his 'gal' Toots by his side. He is also a private detective... which may or may not be a coincidence.
Who Wins: Hairbutt. Hip Flask's name is pretty neat, but then again, so is the character. He's too straight-laced, too prim. You would think a hybrid named after a cuckoo Dutch painter and a container in which one stores alcohol would be a lot cooler, but no. Hairbutt would kick him to the curb, and Toots, in her go-go boots, would walk all over 'Vanity Case'. Plus, the whole, 'Oh I had no IDEA that Jason Paulos and Bodine Amerikah had already created a hippo P.I!' excuse has always seemed pretty fishy to me, Starkings.