10 Blumhouse Productions That Prove The New Halloween Movie Is Doomed

Given the number of trashy movies about kids with Ouija boards that came out in the 1980s (Witchboard, starring Tawny Kitaen, is an absolute must-see), you’d think it’d be pretty simple for the production company behind Sinister and Insidious to reboot the idea for a modern crowd. And you’d be wrong, because this is a load of rubbish produced in association with Hasbro.

Yes, the mysterious oracle that can receive messages from the dead and lead to demonic possession is really a harmless toy sold by the corporation that makes Optimus Prime dolls (sorry, “action figures”). No, Hasbro doesn’t know anything about character, suspense or storytelling. They’re a dab hand at marketing, though, and this slow, awkward movie that nobody claimed to like still made $100 million worldwide.

So incredibly trite that it must’ve been test screened for an audience of 8 year-olds, Ouija’s plot involves the usual brats who start dying in mysterious (and highly stylized) ways after playing with the eponymous board. They destroy it, but a “shock” ending reveals that the board is alive and well. Audience goes Zzzzz.