16. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (Dirk Campbell, 1990)
Of all the patently retarded vampire movies that have ever been made, this has to be the most ridiculous of them all. And that's saying a lot. Similar to the last film on our list, this is another film about a possessed motorized vehicle with an insatiable desire to kill. There's just something about this concept that seems to be totally insane. It all begins when a group of bikers attack a coven of Satanists during a ritual that is meant to re-incarnate their vampire overlord. The body that the vampire spirit is meant to possess is killed, but it manages to enter the gas tank of one the deceased biker gang's Harley Davidsons, instead. The bike ends up being purchased by a local teenager, whose life quickly starts to get a lot weirder. At times, the bike seems to veer off course like it has a mind of it's own, won't start when nothing seems to be wrong, and disappears for periods on end. Low on blood, the vampire motorcycle sets out after a number of locals in order to fill it's tank. Usually lurking in dark alleys and overwhelming unsuspecting passersby, killing and feeding on them in the process. The bike eventually grows horns, teeth, and a number of protruding metal objects that it uses to pierce and draw blood from it's victims. It then goes on a vengeful spree targeting the biker gang who killed the body whose soul it was supposed to inhabit. The bike's owner employs the help of a local priest, with hopes of exorcising the demonic spirit from his bike. The whole thing culminates in a showdown at a local gym, with the vamp-cycle turning on the priest and it's owner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrhBlvm3Tq4 The bike is pretty cool from a special effects standpoint, I guess. But the whole film is just totally bizarre, though, it's worth watching if only for the laughs.