1. 'Gamers Have No Life'
'YOLO... YOLO... YOLO...' You've seen them already: untold thousands of zombies shambling across our once fair internet, spreading their dread plague of inanity without a shred of regret or self-awareness. Hordes of people all claiming we only live once, as long as 'living' is confined to being 12 and boring your bathroom mirror to the point of insanity with endless streams of self-portraits so edgy they'd fail to make Noel Edmonds raise an eyebrow. It's 2am. You've been exposed to the soulless moans of twitter and thoughts as thin as kitten farts for over an hour now and your eyes are slowly beginning to glaze over in self-defence. The only move available to your spasming mouse hand is migrating to Facebook. Surely your timeline hidden away from this barren wasteland should be safe? 'YOLO... YOLO... YOLO...' Your face turns paler than congealed macaroni cheese when your eyes finally meet with your once beloved stronghold of insight and humour: tales of people getting "sooo drunkk" after one Jägerbomb and staying up until 11pm on a Sunday. Someone has even been depraved enough to litter ineffective hashtags crying out for purpose across their plain text status update. To your horror you realise that there's nothing you can do to stop the intense aura of vapidity making your brain pour through the vast gaps in your skull. You blindly grasp for the coffee on your desk in vain until... 'YOLO... YOLO... YOL-argh!' The sound of shattering glass rings out refreshing and clear as a bearded particle physicist swings a crowbar across those weak drinks, his grey and orange suit gleaming in the new Source engine-generated lighting. The shadows slowly begin to melt away as an alien emerges, AMSD shock-rifle in hand and scar-etched skin braved through many Unreal Tournaments. A wide-eyed cat calling himself 'Professor Genki' grabs your lapels and gleefully invites you to have a Super Ethical Reality Climax. A few days later, life suddenly seems less dull thanks to these bizarre, terrifying and exciting characters. The air is fresh outside of that crypt of mediocrity and you feel all the more free and entertained for it. Gamers: freeing citizens of the internet from YOLO one step at a time through having both many lives and none simultaneously. Join the resistance, my friend.
Any other frustrations you'd like to air? Let us know in the comment section below!