10 Signs You're Way Too Old To Be A Gamer

2. Puzzle Games Are Puzzling

Just tell me what to shoot. Flash a great big yellow arrow over my head, followed by the door I€™m supposed to open, the enemies I€™m supposed to shoot, and the mission-critical items they drop. Just don€™t make me think. For the love of all that€™s holy. I lasted roughly half an hour into Castlevania: Symphony of the Night because I got lost. Braid stunned me with a sentimental blow to the feels and then crushed my meagre intellect with temporal perversion. I€™m trying to redeem myself by completing The Swapper, but still find myself sweating bullets in dark rooms late at night, hunched over a laptop, Bluetooth earbuds in, stewing in the swamp of my abject stupidity. Fact is, I€™ve been leaking IQ points like a sieve for half my life. Unless it€™s clearly designated €˜For ages 8 & up,€™ there€™s a high probability I€™ll do nothing more than solve the puzzle of how the Ancient Egyptians removed the brain before mummification. In many areas of life I've improved, but responding to a thorough brain-teasing isn't one of them. Not just puzzles per se, but the puzzles within any game have started to feel like completing a tax return. L.A. Noire was so realistic, I started longing to piss my weekly pay cheque against the wall. But€”oh yeah€”I wasn't getting paid to clean up the mean streets of the City of Angels. In fact, I'd paid for the privilege. $22.50 in a Steam sale, as it happens ... Which brings me to the final, and most unquestionably damning sign that you just might be ... too old for gaming.