3. Sonic Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Please watch this video above. Aside from being utterly adorable, that hedgehog is swimming like a champion, casually ignoring all those annoying voices around him. Granted, he appears foxed by the concept of a bathtub, but hes swimming, and swimming well. No offence to that hedgehog who Im sure is perfectly lovely but he doesnt look any great shakes. If anything, hes average in all ways except adorableness. So surely, the patron saint of hedgehogs (no, not St. Francis) would be able to swim far better than his inferior brethren.
After all, Sonic looks incredibly suited to the task. He has long legs, proper feet, and even hands with opposable thumbs. Aside from turning him into an incongruously blue monstrosity, Sonic did pretty well in the lottery of life. So why cant he swim? Or even float, for that matter. You might argue that yes, he can swim. After all, unlike other candidates on this list, he doesnt die instantly as soon as he gets submerged. But what happens instead is much more distressing. You, as the player, know that Sonic is going to drown because somehow genetics tied him to the floor, rather than float like a regular hedgehog. If anything, youre just trying to keep him in suspended animation by finding air bubbles. Thats not swimming at all, thats just distressing. Much like Buzz doesnt fly, but fall with style, Sonic doesnt swim he
drowns with style.