1. Pokemon
A day in the life...Yaaaawn. Well, it's my birthday. Ten years old. Kind of a man now, I guess. I wonder what mom has got planned for today. Better get downstairs and see. Good morning, mom! Wow, these decorations... Pikachu banners. Uh... okay. And cake, too! With a Bulbasaur on it. Oh. All right, I guess that's kind of cute, I can take that. So what have you got planned for my birthday? Professor Oak? What? I don't know the man. Well, I'm not really into that stuff, mom, I've told you before. I don't really want to spend my birthday -- ...uh, all right,
stop shouting,
mom, Jesus. I'll go see Professor Oak,
okay? Damn. Well, at least it's a lovely day outside. Not a cloud in the sky. Nothing to ruin this. Hm? What? Who the hell are you? No, we've never met. My rival? I don't want a rival, thanks. I don't care for Pokemon, to be honest. No, I don't want us to duel. Please, I'm just going to see this Oak guy to make my mom happy, that's all. Move out of the way, all right? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvKoBnv96PM Okay, here we are. Oak's lab. Hey, Professor, it's me. I live next door. There's only three houses in this town, I know, and we've never met, it's strange. Listen, I'm just here because my mom made me come by since it's my birthday and I'm ten and -- ...what? No. I'm not interrupting your speech, I just don't want to do anything involving Pokemon. Why not? I don't see the point, Doc. If I wander around aimlessly how am I supposed to pay for food and shelter and get a mortgage and stuff? You don't know, huh? Besides, I want to be a scientist. Like you? Uh. Kind of. Not really interested in being a Pokemon scientist, though. What other types of scientist are there, you say? Well, you know, maybe a physicist or something. No,
not like a Jinx, Professor.
Physicist. They're spelt differently. Anyway, I just came by to say that I'm not really into all this Pokemon stuff, so if it's all right by you, I'll be going. Huh? No. No thank-you. Seriously.
I don't want to pick one of three balls! Leave me the hell alone! Gosh, that guy is nuts. I'm outta here! Damn, everyone in Kanto really likes Pokemon. Like, a lot. I'm sure it's not the same over on the other continents.
Ouch. I've gone and tripped. Now I've hurt my leg. Some birthday this is turning out to be. Well, better get to the hospital. ... Pokemon Center? No. No, I need a human doctor. Huh? Seriously, I don't need a Pokemon Center right now, "Hiker." Is there a hospital around here? C'mon, "Bug Catcher", I don't wanna fight a Metapod, that's ridiculous. Why would you even use that Pokemon in a fight, anyway? Not that I care. Seriously. I'm not kidding now. I think this wound is gangrenous. Hello?
What's to hate? At first, Pokemon might sound like a crazy suggestion for a video game world you'd hate to live in. That's understandable considering it's so obviously bright and cute and there's no rape or murder or extreme acts of terrorism anywhere to be seen. Those aspects of this faux-utopia are particularly great, of course, but there's one key factor associated with this world that means it should be feared by absolutely everyone. And that factor is...
what if you don't like Pokemon? That's right. What if you're just plain not into Pocket Monsters? You're not purposely alternative like a hipster or something, you just don't get the appeal in making innocent creatures fight each other for your private pleasures. Because when you actually look at it, the Pokemon world is utterly centric on Pokemon-related things in a way that is completely insane. All anybody ever talks about in Kanto is Pokemon. The stores only sell Pokemon goods. Everyone has Pokemon in their houses and battles with Pokemon and spends their days either trying to catch Pokemon or working in a Pokemon-related job. Pick up a book? It'll be about Pokemon. School? Learn about Pokemon, kid. You wanna be a nurse? Be a Pokemon nurse. What about a doctor? You're a Pokemon doctor, then. Even the bad guys are bad because of what they're doing with Pokemon, stealing them, or trying to clone them or experiment with their genetics and stuff. In the real world, if you not into something that a lot of people really like, it doesn't matter. There are millions of other things for you to enjoy and discuss with others. Not here. Don't be ridiculous. You can only do things linked to Pokemon and everybody just seems to agree on this simple fact like there's nothing else to human existence. And then, of course, there's no escape for the outcast, because far-out concepts like suicide don't have a place in fuzzy games like this. This is why you were born, and train a Pokemon is what you'll do, dammit. Or work in a Pokemart or something, at least.
Likelihood of Death: 0/10