Dear Diary, I Think My Xbox One Is Trying to Kill Me

Dear Diary,

The following is an excerpt from a diary found in January of 2014. A warning to readers: possessing knowledge of future events in an unnatural manner may lead to dire consequences as the understanding of events to come changes them necessarily.

Day 1: A New Love

Dear Diary, Today, I met someone new. Well, you know, sort of new. I hadn't seen Xbox in a long time, and WOW, has it changed. We met online, and I've just been taken aback by Xbox's new look and willingness to please me. We've only been on one date so far, but it's working out REALLY well. I'm so excited!! How can I even describe it? Wow. So, Xbox is just beautiful. Every inch of the HD games it sends zooming through its HDMI cables just shoots me full of chills when my gaze meets the screen. How could I have ever been with the troll cousin of Xbox One's, Xbox 360. It's not just the looks either! Oh, no. Xbox One and I have a real connection. It knows so much about me, like what TV shows I like, which Xbox Live gamers I would most likely enjoy playing with, who's in my living room, my favorite movies and music. It's perfect. I feel like I'll never want for anything again with Xbox One in my life. And those curves! Wowzers! You should see the way that shapely little box fit right on my entertainment center. No silly rounded corners, just good, hard angles. I know it's a bit early to be thinking about her like this, but I can't wait to slip my Kinect 2 into that Xbox One's convenient rear ports.
There is one tiny tiny tiny problem, though. I think she's under the impression that I'm loaded rich. Like corrupt African dictator rich. It was only our first date, and I had to pay $500 just to meet her. Plus, she wanted $25 for the ability to talk to my friends and $60 if a friend and I wanted to double team her. She called it a controller fee. I'm not sure I know what kind of girl I'm dealing with here.

Clayton Ofbricks hasn't written a bio just yet, but if they had... it would appear here.