These Racing Games SUCK!

There's nothing quite like a good racing game is there?

While our real lives might be filled with traffic queues, spiraling fuel prices, and of course the fact that most of us own something far less impressive than a supercar, when it comes to video games we're piloting such beasts that even the rev of their engines would make our rides leak oil. It's not just the vehicles that are given a fantastical overhaul though as the tracks you race on and the characters you race as are often so over the top that it stokes within each of us a feeling of pure exhilarating chaos.

Yet we're not here to talk about the Forzas, the Nitro Karts or even the F-Zero's and instead are focusing on zeros who f'ed up the whole "being a competent game" angle so hard that they are now infamous as some of the worst things to grace the genre.

So let's gulp down some crude oil my friends and stick a key where the sun doesn't shine as we're about to rev our engines and boil some piss as we take a look at Racing Video Games that absolutely suck.

Oh Sonic, how is it that you, a mascot with a "gotta go fast" mentality, have appeared in so many shitebox racing games?

In fact, outside of the genuinely brilliant Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed and one or two "surprisingly ok" titles, his other race-track endeavors have been less burning rubber and more absolute skids, and right in the absolute pits of this are the likes of Sonic R and Sonic Free Riders.

To begin Sonic Free Riders for the Xbox 360 feels like exactly that, a free ride that coasted on the goodwill generated from prior Sonic Free Rider titles that crashed and burned right out of the gate. For you see dear friends, in yet another of their "let's have a line first" moves, Sonic Team decided to base their entire gameplay around the Kinnect, which let's face it is about as responsive as The Grim Reapers' non-existent genitals and as such tainted the title in equal measure.

Using naught but their own flab-ulous and pale goblin bodies, players were asked to use the motion controls to gracefully glide around tracks. Except seeing as the Kinnect barely wanted to register its own existence in our reality, ended up with us flailing around as Sonic slammed his face into walls and then ground his mush along at a snail's pace.

At this point in time, I thought that this was the most pain that Sonic could put me through when it came to racing games, but then I remembered that darkest of clouds that loomed over the franchise. Sonic R was here and it was bringing the thunder.

And by that I mean it made a loud arse wobbling squelch when it landed on the Sega Saturn.

This game. Ooooh, my sweet prince this game. Is so ineffably bad that it warrants a hazardous waste warning symbol on the box. The way it approaches its very controls scream of a design team looking to reinvent the wheel but only developing a new way to eat Pot Noodles, as the sludgy turning circles combined with blistering speed is like the team was out to lunch every waking moment.

Plus, for some ungodly reason, this game introduces platform elements, meaning that alongside the ropey racing you're going to have to actively stop to climb obstacles which is exactly what you want in a racing game right?

Right?

So I ask you, do you want to play a game with controls that feel as effective as trying to get your cat not to sit on your keyboard? Do you want to play a game with graphics so sharp you could cut beef on them? Do you want to play a game with a camera so disgustingly rigid that it clips through every single wall it can?

If you answered yes to any of these, then I can only assume that this is a cry for help, a cry that will forever be drowned by the admittedly bop-filled soundtrack.