10 Ways To Dispose Of A Dead Body (If You Really Needed To)

Another classic: Chuck your unfortunate victim into a large body of water, preferably sending them to the bottom of the ocean.

Bear in mind, though, when we say "the bottom of the ocean" we’re talking, like, the very bottom. There's no point in dumping it a little way offshore or, worse, in a river, only to have it bob back up again like a grisly lilo.

You'll need to get right out into open ocean, weigh that mother down and send them below the explorable zone. Bear in mind that the human SCUBA diving record is now at over 300m, so what you're really aiming for is some kind of underwater ravine or anywhere past the continental shelf.

Also be sure to securely weight it, if you remember our discussion earlier about dead bodies' propensity for bloating, you'll understand why they so often end up back on the surface. 

The best thing to do would be to wrap both the body and the weights in a few layers of chicken wire. This stops parts, er, floating off but will allow sea creatures to have a bit of a nibble, expediating the decomposition process.

Now all you need to do is find a boat.