As tonight sees the launch of the brand new Big Brother, with a Celebrity version to kick off proceedings in its new position on Channel Five, I'll be updating this post and blogging through the launch night events. Late to the table (thanks to my house move somewhat annoyingly overlapping with the launch date), and already there are five sets of feet under the table. So who's in so far?
Tara Reid,
Kerry Katona,
Amy Childs,
Paddy Docherty, and
Darren Lyons AKA Mr Paparazzi. So that's one actual celebrity then. Two at a push if you include the former face of Iceland Katona. Pretty sure she did something else before that, just not entirely sure what... So loads of highly intellectual talk on the agenda then... Crueller commenters than myself might suggest this new-up would be more suitably focused on celebrity transgressions, given how notorious most of those now in the house are. Addictions, convictions and outright hatred seem to be higher on the agenda for this year's selectors rather than actual fame. Darren Lyons must get a special mention at this point for his choice of outfit, which combines his demure personality with the class you'd expect of someone who values rooting through someone's bins and invading their most private of moments high enough to pursue it as a career... And next up is
Sally Bercow - not exactly the most famous of celebrities - but following the trend of who we've met so far, she's certainly infamous, married to the Speaker of the House of Commons and having admitted to a former life of alcoholism. First thing Kerry Katona says: "do you want a drink, Sally?" Nice move Kerry.
Lucien Laviscount makes it seven - the former Waterloo Road and current Coronation Street actor wearing what can only be described as an "interesting" trouser accessory. He's handsome, I'll give him that, and no doubt Tara and Amy are going to react well to his appearance. Is it just me or is Tara Reid slightly worse for wear? She must now have mentioned the broken door at least a hundred times. And the number eight slot goes to the ex-Mrs Hasselhoff,
Pamela Bach Hasselhoff, who interestingly uses the double-barreled version of her name. Could that perhaps be to insist on her fame? Once again someone chosen for her notoriety, or at least that of her relationship anyway. Just get in the house woman, stop bleating on. Hilariously, she says Brian has no idea what it takes to get ready for Big Brother. He won it twice love. The cameraman meanwhile sets the tone of the show by furiously zooming in on her arse as she enters. The penultimate "celebrity" is Levi model,
Bobby Sabel who bears an almost uncanny resemblance to former BB contestant Alex and Ruud Van Nistelrooy, and suggests that the stereotypical opinion of models isn't correct. Then he pouts at the camera and lays some serious poses on for the audience. More brown trousers, like Lucien. Oh my God. Oh, seriously. I tried to resist the rumours and now here they are. Great, I now have to spend the next however many weeks in the company of
Jedward. Who choose to dress like Tony the Tiger and vogue like horrible little cretins all the way along the catwalk. Some of the only words I could actually make out: "We didn't win X-Factor, we didn't win Eurovision, but we're still winners." They're like an explosion of words, 90% of which are banal. Panda shoes. So anyway, at least I know I'm likely to generate some traffic anyway, given how I feel about the celebrity machine that is Jedward. And you have no idea how much effort it took not to swear several times in that sentence. Next up, is the New Huge Mega-Twist that Channel Five are throwing in. Let's see if they can wow us... So it's the first task of the show. Surprise, surprise. Nice shot of Bobby putting in some serious hair flirting action with Amy there. Kerry chooses to be the one housemate to respond to Big brother's request for someone to go to the Diary Room. Secret mission: "You must become the biggest Celebrity Diva the house has ever seen" - "Fuck a Duck". Classy. Three challenges involved that she has to complete during the one night, and she must be chosen the next day as the biggest diva by the rest of her housemates or she will be PUNISHED. Lucky it wasn't a challenge to be the biggest twat in the house, otherwise it would probably be to close to call when the time comes to decide... Harsh? Probably. Undeserved? Definitely not. So now we get to see if Kerry Katona can act. First indications don't look good. Keep checking back for updates.