7 Worst Wrestling Mini-Movies
4. Beach Blast
In the wake of the “Spin the Wheel” hangover, a follow-up movie seemed about as welcome as a Roman Reigns victory at WrestleMania. Regardless of this fact, a sequel was made, hitting the sands of Venice Beach with all the destructive force of a wayward oil tanker. And boy, was it a mess.
Just when you thought WCW couldn’t possibly top the absurdity of their last venture, the boys of Turner Town outdid themselves yet again with the notorious “Beach Blast” mini-movie of 1993. This one was so bad it made Robocop’s appearance at Capital Combat seem like Y2J’s millennium countdown.
The movie centres around the feud between the “The Superpowers” (Davey Boy Smith and Sting) and the team of Sid Vicious and Big Van Vader, ahead of their scheduled tag match at the Beach Blast PPV. What actually occurs is a collision of Baywatch meets Wile E. Coyote and enough cheese to leave your arteries clogged for life.
With the evil minds of Harley Race and Col. Parker conspiring together, a plot is hatched by the two managers to murder – yes murder – our beloved Superpowers by blowing them up on their boat. Cue evil laughs and enough maniacal head shaking to make D’Lo Brown proud.
A needless volleyball scene reminiscent of Top Gun also takes place while our eye-patch wearing friend from Jake Robert’s bar makes his second WCW appearance, this time donning the dorsal fin of a shark as a watery disguise...which in the context of everything else in this video, seems completely normal at this point.
Using his cunning disguise, the little man goes by unnoticed for about five seconds before blowing his own cover by swimming right beside some children in about a foot of water – a schoolboy error for any self-respecting spy. Undeterred, the undercover shark soldiers on and places Harley’s bomb on the Stinger’s boat as planned.
Subsequently, a World War 2 landing vessel appears off-shore, unveiling Sid and Vader decked out in full ring-gear...well, almost. In the spirit of summer, Sid had actually opted to trade up the ring boots for flip-flops, but you get the idea. Even more evil laughing and bull-like grunting ensues before the two teams finally meet face-to-face.
Col. Parker then goes on to offer Sting and Bulldog two tickets to retirement – no really, two actual tickets to “ a retirement haven of [their] choice” – which Sting mulls over for about 30 seconds before mockingly declining; much to the delight of the surrounding kids.
To cut a short story even shorter, Sting eventually climbs aboard his boat before being saved in the nick of time be the heroic Davey Boy just as the boat explodes. Davey and Sting emerge from the water triumphantly and unscathed to send the crowd home happy, if not a little bemused.
While kayfabe may have been long dead at this point, this film didn’t just put the final nail in the coffin, it welded the lid shut, cremated the corpse and scattered the ashes at sea...presumably near the charred remains of Sting’s boat.