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10 Videogame Characters Who Were Strangely Allergic To Water

7. Hired Goons €“ Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

MGS Soldier Picture the scene. You€™re Colonel Volgin, all-round brute and head of one of the USSR€™s most feared units, GRU. You€™re keen to stage a coup d€™etat, and you€™ve even enlisted the help of the deadliest mercenary group known to man, COBRA. So far, everything€™s looking good for you. You€™ve kidnapped your scientist, you€™ve got bottomless cash reserves and you€™re sitting on a nuclear stockpile. But obviously, even with the COBRAs and the Ocelot Unit, you€™ve only got enough soldiers to fill a medium-sized bus. As talented as these guys may be, that doesn€™t exactly make you a threat. So what do you do? You hire in some soldiers! Really, I€™d love to know the recruitment policy behind the hired goons in Metal Gear Solid. Not only are they easily foxed by pornography, knocking sounds and cardboard boxes, but they seem to lack a key attribute of any highly trained soldier €“ absolutely none of them could swim. They're literally carbon copies of your dim college room-mate. Seriously, shove one in the water and watch what happens. In fact, I€™ll tell you what happens €“ he dies, embarrassingly. I€™d hope that if you€™re looking after the interests of one of the most ambitious schemes ever seen, you€™d at least make sure you had a good recruitment and human resources department. Maybe those things didn€™t exist in the 60s, but surely common sense did? The best thing about this army€™s water-incompetence is that it€™s not even a secret. When you put a soldier in a sleeper hold and interrogate him, press him long enough and he€™ll eventually tell you that everyone in his company can€™t swim. It€™s just seems like a giant conspiracy, with a bunch of slackers all falsifying their CVs so they can get steady work €“ exactly like your college room-mate. How were they to know they were going to be targeted by one of the deadliest soldiers alive?
Contributor
Contributor

Durham University graduate and qualified sports journalist. Very good at sitting down and watching things. Can multi-task this with playing computer games. Football Manager addict who has taken Shrewsbury Town to the summit of the Premier League. You can follow me at @Ed_OwenUK, if you like ramblings about Newcastle United and A Place in the Sun. If you don't, I don't know what I can do for you.