10 Weirdest Things Video Games Asked You To Do

9: Locate Stolen Magical Granite Testicles - The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

the witcher 3
CD Projekt RED

It’s taken for granite that you’re going to be running around doing a lot of busywork in an RPG and Geralt’s penchant for helping out with problems big and small is the same as any RPG hero.

I hope you liked that pun because it’s really setting the tone here. If you don't, I'll see you at number 8.

An art curator in town is getting pretty testy because it turns out his prize statue has been vandalised. Specifically, the statue Reginald D’Aubry’s crown jewels have been nicked and you need to go find them. The stone nuts are pretty important because they grant those in proximity with virility and stamina. Thus begins your very weird side quest Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Granite where you seek to restore the statue back to his former glory.

Your search brings you to a home with what appears to be a couple banging, but it’s in fact a dude banging someone else’s wife. He’s stoked with himself all the same thanks to the power of the granite package and you decide whether to give him one more day with them, take it back, or let him keep it.

Spoiler, you do not want to leave it with him because he’ll bang himself to death. Let’s just take a moment to reflect on this quest being in one of the greatest RPGs of all time. Okay, moving on.


Likes: Collecting maiamais, stanning Makoto, dual-weilding, using sniper rifles on PC, speccing into persuasion and lockpicking. Dislikes: Escort missions.