6 Most Insane Wrestling Reports Ever Published
When wrestling was literally unbelievable: featuring Vince McMahon, the Ultimate Warrior, and more…
Pro wrestling is a secretive and gossipy industry that locks up with the rumour mill on a never-ending spot show loop. You’ll read wild, borderline unhinged stuff every single day. WWE replaced the Ultimate Warrior with a doppelgänger in 1992! CM Punk banned the joshis from appearing on AEW Collision! TNA will overtake AEW as the number two promotion in the United States!
None of this stuff is supported by a paper trail. People just like to make stuff up for attention. The stories contained herein, however, are different.
Note that this isn’t a collection of the most shocking news stories that have ever broken. You won’t read about the Chris Benoit double murder suicide here, as heartbreaking and earth-shattering as it was. This is a lighter list with two qualifying factors for entry:
1) There is no way that the story described could have ever happened in a million years, but
2) either the subject or the reporter believed that it could have.
This is a list covering the stories you can’t believe anybody ever believed.
Another thing needs to be made very clear: the Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer is the architect of this space. This wouldn’t be written without his influence; you probably would not even be here if he hadn’t shattered the veneer of kayfabe in the 1980s with his groundbreaking and exhaustive work. Nobody is sh*tting on Dave here. You’d have to be very misinformed not to recognise the brilliance of his best work.
However, the guy has on occasion burst through a wall, dropped his glittery stormtrooper helmet, and fell flat on his fooking arse…
6. Raising The Dead
You’re a wrestling fan. This information might be confidential to you, because it’s a bit embarrassing. You don’t want people to think you are dumb enough to think it’s real, even though you don’t. It’s best to just avoid the topic altogether. If you do disclose your hobby of choice, you are invariably met with two questions:
1) You know it’s fake, right?
2) Is the Undertaker still in it?
The second, more polite question is posed by a lapsed fan who dropped out when they reached adolescence. This person usually does not know their asshole from their El Hijo del Vikingo, but they mean well. At least they’re not calling you thick. This person has no knowledge of the current scene, but this person is also amongst the most influential people on it, because this person is a high-ranking Saudi Arabia official who, according to the May 3, 2018 edition of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, requested two specific names for the titular Greatest Royal Rumble - the first sportswashing exercise in the Saudi Arabia relationship.
Proving that even disgusting promotional tactics have their funny side, one official requested that Yokozuna, the Ultimate Warrior, and the Undertaker appear at the show. There was just one problem: the Warrior and Yokozuna had been dead for a combined 22 years. This official was supposedly so adamant about Yokozuna that, according to whispers, WWE basically plucked an imposter out of fat air and called upon Hiroki Sumi to do the honours. Sumi wasn’t even a Performance Center prospect or anything. He was just a sumo wrestler, presumably the first to agree to the payday.
WWE didn’t bother trying to get anyone to play the Ultimate Warrior for the night, but if this happens again, and they need somebody who is worse than useless but popular with children regardless, they could always attach some tassels to Jey Uso.