Newcastle: 5 Things That Definitely Aren't Inspired By Bayern Munich

Bananas: as much like Bayern as Newcastle are.

All aboard the loony train to Silly Town. Alan Pardew has come out with what might be his best ever quote, suggesting that Newcastle are inspired by Bayern Munich, because they work hard. Which is a bit like being inspired by the Sistine Chapel because of the brand of paint used. He says he sees the same in Newcastle's style of play as can be seen in the streamroller of German football, despite the fact that it's looking suspiciously like he's never actually watched them play. So in honour of his assessment, here are 5 other things - mostly related to Newcastle - that definitely weren't inspired by Bayern Munich...

5. 35.6% Of Possession

Overall, Bayern have managed 61% possession over their 11 games so far this season, Newcastle have managed 47%, which is not as terrible as it could be (thanks to some early stoic performances where possession was valued over creativity), but there is absolutely no way Bayern would have surrendered the ball as much as Newcastle did against Liverpool, managing significantly less than 40% of the ball.

4. This Banana

Well, if he's just going to be silly, everyone else can too.

3. 13 Goals

So far this season, Newcastle have scored 13 goals, conceded 15, and have a shot accuracy of 37% (which is surprising given the small number of shots per game that actually seem to happen). In total, they've created 104 chances so far. Bayern Munich on the other hand have scored 27 goals, conceded a massive 3, have a shot accuracy of 54% and have created 172 chances. Yeah, those are the same.

2. Sam Allardyce

Do you know who else used to liken himself to top European talent, and suggest that he was inches away from getting one of the top two or three jobs in European football management, without any logic, credentials or proof? Sam Allardyce, the King Of Wishful Thinking - a title Pardew has now just stolen from him in fact - whose style of football never seemed to register in his head for what it truly was. Pardew is Allardyce mark two.

1. Newcastle's Overall Style Of Play

Somehow, Alan Pardew has looked at Bayern Munich, the most offensively minded team in the world probably, and ignored pretty much everything about them apart from the fact that they are hard-working and well organised. In that, he sees a link to the way Newcastle play. He's managed to wilfully ignore the fact that Bayern press high, that they rule possession and that they create and attack relentlessly: he's basically looked at a massive delicious banquet, picked out the stodgy pastries and limp sandwiches and ignored the lobster, caviar and gold-leafed quails' arses and imagined that his packed lunch is exactly the same. If you didn't laugh, you'd cry.
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